THE SPECTRUM OF WOW

It is especially important during these times to pay attention to moments of awe. Whenever they occur I encourage you to pause for at least a few more seconds and take them in more deeply. There are daily moments of small WOWS, periodic moments of medium WOWS and occasional moments of BIG WOWS!! I refer to them as the "spectrum of WOW".

These experiences of awe are always salient and yet we tend to quickly move on from them. During this very difficult period of many losses and great uncertainty about the future these WOW moments are especially significant because they uplift our Souls, can recharge our tired batteries, ground us and are beacons of hope in the darkness.

SMALL WOWS

Just as we were beginning our first session outside after months of phone sessions a patient encouraged me to look above and behind me. We both paused and witnessed droplets of overnight rain on pine needles bathing in the morning light. It was a moment of shared WOW.

Sitting on the back porch of the home of another patient who has early onset dementia - phone sessions did not work with him - we both smiled at the WOW of the rumbles of thunder in the sky above his field of grass. We talked about our shared love of thunder and lightning, liking the power of nature and edginess of those moments. Periodically during this session the thunder returned. Each time we paused and enjoyed the WOWS of that moment. Even within the issues created by "his condition" he could savor these moments - even more so there are so many things he cannot do. For each of us there are so many small moments of potential awe in each day. A hummingbird hovering over a flower, a small child running into a parent or grandparents arms, a moving piece of music, a good play/shot in sports, a moment of witnessing beauty, the initial bite of ice cream on a hot day.... So many. It's important to notice and take them in. They can lift our spirits when the cumulative effect of what is happening is weighing us down.

MEDIUM WOWS

Amidst the fear, pain, losses and diviseness of these times we are all witnessing or hear about many individual acts of loving kindness and everyday heroism. They touch our hearts deeply and remind us of what we are capable of - our innate ability to rise above our personal concerns and help others who are in need. WOW. So many stories. So inspiring and hopeful. Sometimes a current experience can remind us of an earlier WOW.

Last week I was listening to a jazz CD and it reminded me of an experience at the Newport Jazz Festival a few years ago. I was at the Festival with two of my sons (Mark and Scott) and each of the had brought one of their children(10 year old Thomas and 6 year old Noelle). It rained all day. Walking from one venue to another - even though the gig was under a huge tent - you could get drenched. I was sitting under a tent dry and unable to save any seats when Noelle and her dad arrived very wet and stood in the nearby aisle. Thomas and his dad were also soaked and stood in the aisle on the other side of me. At that moment a man got up and offered Thomas his seat. Thomas then beckoned for Noelle to sit on his lap. Then the woman next to them offered Noelle a towel and helped to dry her. Shortly after that Jon Batiste was on stage and said, "For the next song I would ask you to close your eyes and think of it as a meditation". Then he sang,"What a Wonderful World" in the style that his hero Louis Armstrong sang it. I became tearful and on the second chorus I began weeping. I had just witnessed a few minutes before these simple moments of human kindness. My heart became full again as I remembered it. During this time when other ways of being together feel unsafe and usual sources of entertainment are closed many people are taking walks in natural settings. This offers opportunities for WOWS - if we are open to them. If you are walking by yourself periodically take a few minuttes to stop and close your eyes. If you are with someone you can do this together. Listen to the sounds, smell the aromas, touch what is next to you. Opening to your other senses will help you to be more present and less focused on your thoughts. This will gradually open your consciousness to more WOWS. The whole walk can be an individual or shared sense of awe.

BIG WOWS

Periodically there are moments with our spouse/partner/lover when we look at them with BIG LOVE - a feeling different from our ordinary everyday love. Its as if the essence of their being - their soul - is just shining brightly and our souls are open and vulnerable too. We are just being there with our beloved. In AWE of his/her Beauty. A similar thing happens with our children or grandchildren. There are special instances when the jewel of their personhood is so clear. We are totally present and witnessing her/his essential nature. BIG WOWS!

When we witness a special sunset, a huge rainbow, an ancient redwood a .... It is so important in these unique moments in nature to resist the impulse to quickly take out our cameras and try to capture the uncapturable. Instead I encourage you to just to be with the bigness of the moment. To take in more deeply the awesomeness of a rare experience. It will help us to deepen our connection to the natural world to realize that we are part of - not outside of - nature. Periodically we are moved deeply by a piece of music or art or a dance performance or some other of the myriad forms of artistic expression. "Something" of the Beauty of it is touching our souls and hearts in a way that is unique to the moment. We are being lifted up and out of the ordinary into the extraordinary.

Again it is so important to allow ourselves to be transported into some other realm of experiencing. These WOWS are important at any time, but are especially vital at this time when our souls yearn to be lifted up, to push away the emotional weight of these heavy times and for a while to be free. If we are going to be able to sustain ourselves during these times all of our moments of WOW - big and small - are essential not extra.

Recently I had an experience of BIG WOW. I live in a small home on two and a half acres surrounded by large pine trees. On this afternoon I was sitting on a wooden bench alongside a brook that runs through our property about twenty feet from the back of our home. As I was about to take the first bite of my luncheon sandwich I looked to my left and there was a young buck with small antlers about thirty feet away just browsing on some vegetation. He looked at me, I looked at him. As I was looking, inside my mind I said to him"Be not afraid of me, I will not harm you". He continued to munch away periodically looking up to glance at me as I ate my sandwich. Then after about five or ten minutes he moved about ten feet closer, looked at me and looking at him again I said internslly"Be not afraid of me". We both continued to munch on our food. Then I said to myself "We are having lunch together". After several more minutes another same sized young buck appeared! He came even closer to me and they both browsed for a while. Perhaps they were buddies. After a few more minutes the first one slowly wandered up the hill behind our home continuing to enjoy his food. His friend gradually followed him except he walked up on the stone pathway that my wife and I had built years before so that we could walk up to a meditation spot on the top of the hill. In no hurry, clearly enjoying what was on the menu on our property, they both slowly drifted over the hill. This was one of the biggest nature WOWS of my life!!!

The busyness of our ordinary lives coupled with the significant extra stresses of trying to navigate these extra-ordinary times are very draining. The psychological impact is cumulative and will continue to build as we live with so much ongoing uncertainty about where this is all going. These moments of small, medium and big WOWS will uplift our spirits and help recharge our batteries to sustain us. The WOWS also connect us to other aspects of our individual consciousness that transcend and coexist with our ordinary consciousnesds. If we open to the moments of AWE they can help us to deepen our connection to other aspects of our own being, to the consciousness of others and to other realms of larger interconnectedness. We need all of that during these times.

I AM AN OLD MAN

I am an old man. At 77 to say that first to myself and then to say it publicly to family, friends and patients feels liberating.It involves accepting that certain physical and cognitive diminishments have occurred and will continue to occur - they are not temporary. Internally it involves letting go of self-expectations that fit for an earlier time of life. What my body used to be able to do it can no longer do at the same level. What I used to be able to do cognitively I can no longer do to the same level. And every six months I am aware of further diminishments. By accepting that and gradually letting go of those inner "measuring sticks" I feel freer. Instead of feeling diminished by what I can no longer do I am saying to myself those inner measuring sticks do not fit for this time of life. They do not define who I nam. I am still Bill Ryan. Indeed the opposite is true. I feel lighter,that my soul energy is freer to be out in the world as I am at this time of life - less weighted down by internal and external expectations of what I should be able to do.
One morning while having coffee with my wife Jeanne we were discussing this issue of aging and from within me arose a question,"Is it simply enough to be a loving human being?" That is a profound existential question. My immediate answer was,"Yes,of course, that is the most important thing of all" Whatever physical and cognitive diminishments I continue to experience I can still be a loving human being with everyone in my life. Of course also that is counter-cultural. Our culture focuses on productivity, what we do as a measurement of a person and that acculturation is a significant contributor to my internalized self-expectations. I will be holding that question in my consciousness for a long time,"Is it simply enough to be a loving human being?"
ELDER
I feel that by saying that I am an old man I am doing something counter-cultural. I am not embarrassed/ashamed of being an old man. I am not spending time, energy, money on activities or products that will keep me feeling or looking young. Nor am I accepting some cultural image of an old man - weak, decrepit, useless.... From my perspective that image is a kind of bogeyman figure that lurks in the shadows of my consciousness. I am confronting that bogeyman and saying,"I am not you. I am an Elder." I am stepping into that status and claiming the respect that an Elder deserves. I have valuable life experience, accomplishments, contributions that have made the lives of others better. Our culture does not sanction that status of Elder so it needs to be claimed, not in an inflated egotistical way, but by my presence, how I carry myself in the world.
This past summer my oldest son Mark and I were at the Newport Jazz Festival. Jazz is the music I am most passionate about. Every year since I turned 60 when Mark and my other son Scott treated me to that special event,some combination of sons, stepsons, grandchildren go to Newport. The festival has four stages and no assigned seats. One of the protocols of the event is that between acts you can put a marker on a seat for a while so that you can go to the bathroom,get some food,buy some CDs. When we returned from the bathroom, Mark and I found a man and his woman companion sitting in our seats and saw our bags on the ground. Mark said,"You are in our seats" They did not move and said "Here are your bags". That was a disrespect of the mores of the event. I became angry saying,"I am 77 years old and I got up to pee and you took my seat". They did not move. I became enraged, saying again more strongly,I am 77 years old and you are taking my seat". People around them were suggesting that they move honoring my age. They did not move. I became more insistent saying. "I am 77 years old and if you don't move I will sit on top of you. And I meant it. I repeated it even more strongly. At that point Mark went to get a security person who insisted that they respect my age and leave the seats. They did.
This was a moment when my age was disrespected and I demanded respect. In other situations it is also very important for me to accept gracefully respect for my Elder stars when offered. Some one offers a seat on the subway or bus, holds a door for me, suggests that I go ahead of them on line, or calls me "sir". In years past I may have bristled at being called "sir" or said,"Thanks,but I'm OK" to the offer of a seat. As I more accept my old man status I now perceive those moments as an important exchange. If I say no I am rejecting their offer of respect. Perhaps that will discourage them from honoring some other old man or woman. It is important to remember that others are witnessing these exchanges. It is an opportunity to model what should be happening more in our culture. The modeling also occurs with my peers. A few years ago when a friend turned 70 he said,"You are five years older than me. I think of you as a scout. Periodically give me a report of what's up ahead". I share with him and others about being an old man including the struggles, the sense of liberation and the importance of expecting respect and receiving it when offered.
A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BODY
My relationship with my aging body is becoming more and more loving. When I look at my naked body in the mirror after showering I say,"I love you. Thank you for giving me the gift of another day and thank you for carrying me so well for so long. Please forgive me for the periods of time I did not treat you well or was angry with you". This morning ritual has been quite impactful. I no longer feel any vestige of an earlier adversarial interaction wherein I wanted my body to be other than what it was. This was particularly true in the years after an aggressive lymphoma took 30 pounds from my lean frame. Now I am more mindful of what I put into my body and more cautious of taking physical risks that might harm it or pushing it to do more.. This loving attitude also feels counter-cultural. I am not feeding the stereotypes of an old man who has a litany of physical complaints or is trying to look/act like a young man.
GOING WITH THE FLOW
Several times a day I say to myself,"Go with he flow". Whenever I stand by the brook behind my home or by some other moving body of water I ask,"Teach me about flow". Frequently I ask my Higher Self,"Help me to go with the flow". That mantra feels very helpful in dealing with my aging process. Physically I move slower and with more joint stiffness, my stamina and strength are diminished. Cognitively my memory is diminishing, my ability to access words and ideas is unreliable, I substitute words often without awareness. Every few months I notice more of these happening. And others. These are not temporary changes - they are flowing in one direction. I am not going to wake up one morning and those changes will have stopped or reversed. "Going with the flow" helps me to accept - not minimize or deny - nor rant against them. If I accept the notion that I am an old man whose remaining time on the planet is limited it makes more psychospiritual sense to go with what life is presenting rather than attempt to impose my will. Instead I feel more open to what is happening and could happen - if I stay open - in each day. It is not easy to do this,but when I am able to it feels liberating.
DEATH
With a more frequent private and public acknowledgement that I am an old man and a greater acceptance of that state comes a greater awareness of my death. And a greater sense of preparing for it. When I am finishing a walk to one of my favorite nature places increasingly the thought enters my consciousness,"This might be the last time I come here". At the end of the Newport Jazz Festival this year I said to myself,"This may be the last one for me". Sometimes when I leave my beloved home I look wistfully as if I am saying,"Good-bye". I think more often of Jeanne being a widow. There is a sadness that comes with the thought of saying good-bye to my beloved companion. And a sadness that comes with the image of her being in our home without her beloved companion. Always with that sadness comes an ever deepening awareness that the number of our moments together is lessening. Although there is a sadness as I project into the future, being mindful of this does not feel depressing. Instead it motivates me to be more present to the preciousness of our time together. It also increase my gratefulness for our relationship - the richness of the life we have lived and continue to live. The same holds true for my time with my children,grandchildren, friends and patients.
THE OLD ONE
My relationship with "the Old One" is becoming more personal and more central to my everyday life. The Old One is my current name for the unnameable, formless eternal consciousness that many years ago I used to call God. I was raised as a Catholic and was so immersed in that theological perspective that for two years I studied to be a priest. My spirituality has evolved from that worldview to a pathway wherein theological and cosmological perspectives are totally unimportant to me. What is essential is the personal, the ever deepening desire to have a more intimate relationship with the "Old One". Because I cannot possibly have an intimate relationship with an abstract concept I use the sun as my symbolic image of "the Old One". I use the image of the sun because of its presence even when we cannot see it, because it is essential to all life, because it has existed for and will continue to exist for millions of years.... When I step outside I say "Good morning Old One" or "Hello there good to see you again old friend" or "Thanks for life in all its forms and aspects including the difficult and painful". And many more. Of course there never is any response. Yet I feel something essential is deepening in my life. My life feels enriched by opening my heart and soul in this way. I also feel that I am preparing for some larger experience after my death. Of course I am also aware that the notion of the existence of some transcendent consciousness whatever I name it could be a complete delusion. I accept that possibility.
To end on a light note I want to share a story of myself and my eight year old granddaughter Sydney. This summer for the first time she was staying with Jeanne and I for four days by herself. Her older brother Thomas was in camp and her parents were taking a much-needed mini-vacation. During the visit periodically I would say,"Syd, I am an old man and I walk slower"; "Syd I am an old man and I have to rest more when I go up this hill"; "Syd I am an old man and my memory is not that good". After a while she started to say,"Come on old man we're going for a walk"; "OK old man are you ready to play a game together?" And other comments using "old man". I loved every time she did that.