I am an old man. At 77 to say that first to myself and then to say it publicly to family, friends and patients feels liberating.It involves accepting that certain physical and cognitive diminishments have occurred and will continue to occur - they are not temporary. Internally it involves letting go of self-expectations that fit for an earlier time of life. What my body used to be able to do it can no longer do at the same level. What I used to be able to do cognitively I can no longer do to the same level. And every six months I am aware of further diminishments. By accepting that and gradually letting go of those inner "measuring sticks" I feel freer. Instead of feeling diminished by what I can no longer do I am saying to myself those inner measuring sticks do not fit for this time of life. They do not define who I nam. I am still Bill Ryan. Indeed the opposite is true. I feel lighter,that my soul energy is freer to be out in the world as I am at this time of life - less weighted down by internal and external expectations of what I should be able to do.
One morning while having coffee with my wife Jeanne we were discussing this issue of aging and from within me arose a question,"Is it simply enough to be a loving human being?" That is a profound existential question. My immediate answer was,"Yes,of course, that is the most important thing of all" Whatever physical and cognitive diminishments I continue to experience I can still be a loving human being with everyone in my life. Of course also that is counter-cultural. Our culture focuses on productivity, what we do as a measurement of a person and that acculturation is a significant contributor to my internalized self-expectations. I will be holding that question in my consciousness for a long time,"Is it simply enough to be a loving human being?"
ELDER
I feel that by saying that I am an old man I am doing something counter-cultural. I am not embarrassed/ashamed of being an old man. I am not spending time, energy, money on activities or products that will keep me feeling or looking young. Nor am I accepting some cultural image of an old man - weak, decrepit, useless.... From my perspective that image is a kind of bogeyman figure that lurks in the shadows of my consciousness. I am confronting that bogeyman and saying,"I am not you. I am an Elder." I am stepping into that status and claiming the respect that an Elder deserves. I have valuable life experience, accomplishments, contributions that have made the lives of others better. Our culture does not sanction that status of Elder so it needs to be claimed, not in an inflated egotistical way, but by my presence, how I carry myself in the world.
This past summer my oldest son Mark and I were at the Newport Jazz Festival. Jazz is the music I am most passionate about. Every year since I turned 60 when Mark and my other son Scott treated me to that special event,some combination of sons, stepsons, grandchildren go to Newport. The festival has four stages and no assigned seats. One of the protocols of the event is that between acts you can put a marker on a seat for a while so that you can go to the bathroom,get some food,buy some CDs. When we returned from the bathroom, Mark and I found a man and his woman companion sitting in our seats and saw our bags on the ground. Mark said,"You are in our seats" They did not move and said "Here are your bags". That was a disrespect of the mores of the event. I became angry saying,"I am 77 years old and I got up to pee and you took my seat". They did not move. I became enraged, saying again more strongly,I am 77 years old and you are taking my seat". People around them were suggesting that they move honoring my age. They did not move. I became more insistent saying. "I am 77 years old and if you don't move I will sit on top of you. And I meant it. I repeated it even more strongly. At that point Mark went to get a security person who insisted that they respect my age and leave the seats. They did.
This was a moment when my age was disrespected and I demanded respect. In other situations it is also very important for me to accept gracefully respect for my Elder stars when offered. Some one offers a seat on the subway or bus, holds a door for me, suggests that I go ahead of them on line, or calls me "sir". In years past I may have bristled at being called "sir" or said,"Thanks,but I'm OK" to the offer of a seat. As I more accept my old man status I now perceive those moments as an important exchange. If I say no I am rejecting their offer of respect. Perhaps that will discourage them from honoring some other old man or woman. It is important to remember that others are witnessing these exchanges. It is an opportunity to model what should be happening more in our culture. The modeling also occurs with my peers. A few years ago when a friend turned 70 he said,"You are five years older than me. I think of you as a scout. Periodically give me a report of what's up ahead". I share with him and others about being an old man including the struggles, the sense of liberation and the importance of expecting respect and receiving it when offered.
A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BODY
My relationship with my aging body is becoming more and more loving. When I look at my naked body in the mirror after showering I say,"I love you. Thank you for giving me the gift of another day and thank you for carrying me so well for so long. Please forgive me for the periods of time I did not treat you well or was angry with you". This morning ritual has been quite impactful. I no longer feel any vestige of an earlier adversarial interaction wherein I wanted my body to be other than what it was. This was particularly true in the years after an aggressive lymphoma took 30 pounds from my lean frame. Now I am more mindful of what I put into my body and more cautious of taking physical risks that might harm it or pushing it to do more.. This loving attitude also feels counter-cultural. I am not feeding the stereotypes of an old man who has a litany of physical complaints or is trying to look/act like a young man.
GOING WITH THE FLOW
Several times a day I say to myself,"Go with he flow". Whenever I stand by the brook behind my home or by some other moving body of water I ask,"Teach me about flow". Frequently I ask my Higher Self,"Help me to go with the flow". That mantra feels very helpful in dealing with my aging process. Physically I move slower and with more joint stiffness, my stamina and strength are diminished. Cognitively my memory is diminishing, my ability to access words and ideas is unreliable, I substitute words often without awareness. Every few months I notice more of these happening. And others. These are not temporary changes - they are flowing in one direction. I am not going to wake up one morning and those changes will have stopped or reversed. "Going with the flow" helps me to accept - not minimize or deny - nor rant against them. If I accept the notion that I am an old man whose remaining time on the planet is limited it makes more psychospiritual sense to go with what life is presenting rather than attempt to impose my will. Instead I feel more open to what is happening and could happen - if I stay open - in each day. It is not easy to do this,but when I am able to it feels liberating.
DEATH
With a more frequent private and public acknowledgement that I am an old man and a greater acceptance of that state comes a greater awareness of my death. And a greater sense of preparing for it. When I am finishing a walk to one of my favorite nature places increasingly the thought enters my consciousness,"This might be the last time I come here". At the end of the Newport Jazz Festival this year I said to myself,"This may be the last one for me". Sometimes when I leave my beloved home I look wistfully as if I am saying,"Good-bye". I think more often of Jeanne being a widow. There is a sadness that comes with the thought of saying good-bye to my beloved companion. And a sadness that comes with the image of her being in our home without her beloved companion. Always with that sadness comes an ever deepening awareness that the number of our moments together is lessening. Although there is a sadness as I project into the future, being mindful of this does not feel depressing. Instead it motivates me to be more present to the preciousness of our time together. It also increase my gratefulness for our relationship - the richness of the life we have lived and continue to live. The same holds true for my time with my children,grandchildren, friends and patients.
THE OLD ONE
My relationship with "the Old One" is becoming more personal and more central to my everyday life. The Old One is my current name for the unnameable, formless eternal consciousness that many years ago I used to call God. I was raised as a Catholic and was so immersed in that theological perspective that for two years I studied to be a priest. My spirituality has evolved from that worldview to a pathway wherein theological and cosmological perspectives are totally unimportant to me. What is essential is the personal, the ever deepening desire to have a more intimate relationship with the "Old One". Because I cannot possibly have an intimate relationship with an abstract concept I use the sun as my symbolic image of "the Old One". I use the image of the sun because of its presence even when we cannot see it, because it is essential to all life, because it has existed for and will continue to exist for millions of years.... When I step outside I say "Good morning Old One" or "Hello there good to see you again old friend" or "Thanks for life in all its forms and aspects including the difficult and painful". And many more. Of course there never is any response. Yet I feel something essential is deepening in my life. My life feels enriched by opening my heart and soul in this way. I also feel that I am preparing for some larger experience after my death. Of course I am also aware that the notion of the existence of some transcendent consciousness whatever I name it could be a complete delusion. I accept that possibility.
To end on a light note I want to share a story of myself and my eight year old granddaughter Sydney. This summer for the first time she was staying with Jeanne and I for four days by herself. Her older brother Thomas was in camp and her parents were taking a much-needed mini-vacation. During the visit periodically I would say,"Syd, I am an old man and I walk slower"; "Syd I am an old man and I have to rest more when I go up this hill"; "Syd I am an old man and my memory is not that good". After a while she started to say,"Come on old man we're going for a walk"; "OK old man are you ready to play a game together?" And other comments using "old man". I loved every time she did that.
