FINDING AN ISLAND OF SANITY
From my perspective it is essential for each of us to have a physical space that we can go to where we can have solitude and relative quiet. The place will vary for each of us depending on what is possible within our life circumstances. For some of us it will be a local nature setting, for others a garden, for others a place in their home, for others a place in their community or .... It is important for our time spent there to be away from distractions such as screens and electronic devices that will bring us news from the outside world. When we are there it is vital to have a way of creating a relatively peaceful, balanced psychological state. For some of us it will be some form of meditation including active ones like yoga or tai chi. For others it will be through movement like dance or walking. For others it will be through music like playing a guitar. What is salient is to find a pathway that suits each of us individually and to cultivate that quiet inner space on a regular basis.
These local and worldwide events are evoking both consciously and unconsciously a wide range of very difficult emotions: hopelessness and despair; a diverse spectrum of fears and terrors; sadness from current losses and the projection of future losses; great uncertainty about where this is all going; helplessness and powerlessness. The psychological challenge is to find a way to hold all these feelings and not be overwhelmed by them. I feel grateful to have found a pathway of doing that not only when on my nature walks and within my personal spaces of home and office, but also internally during other times of the day.
I have also guided my patients about finding their own pathway of developing an island of sanity. First I encourage them to feel these difficult emotions - not suppress them or push them away. Then I recommend that they think of what would be a countervailing feeling to the powerful emotion and suggest that they cultivate those feeling states. By a countervailing feeling I mean a strong opposite feeling. Then I recommend to them imagining holding both feelings so that they develop the sense that these opposing feelings can coexist in consciousness. I demonstrate this by holding my hands out in front of me in an open and upturned position. I encourage my patients to practice holding their upturned hands out in the same way. "Now imagine a part of yourself, your personal Higher Self," I say, "witnessing your feelings being held." Of course, initially the feelings will be experienced as out of balance weighted in the direction of the difficult emotion - I am purposefully avoiding the use of the word negative. Then I ask my patients to consider this question: What do I do in my life that fuels that difficult feeling? Looking at the other hand I have them ask: How can I cultivate the countervailing feeling to help it to grow?
I will share my personal experience with the climate change crisis as an example. I have read a lot of the scientific research and predictions about what we need to do to prevent the looming catastrophic changes to all life on our planet. I also witness the increasing political divisiveness and the insufficiency of the collective will to do what is necessary. I also am aware of the undermining of positive steps by some major corporations and corrupt politicians. Usually a core aspect of my nature is to be optimistic. My wife playfully has named that part of my personality as "Mr Big O". However, because the clock is ticking on the timeline of what we collectively need to do I have a growing feeling of hopelessness bordering on despair.
On the other hand I am also very aware of the significant number of very positive things being done all over the globe by individuals, small groups, communities, organizations, businesses and corporations working on this crisis. Intentionally I expose myself to learning more about these important efforts. I consistently seek out this information from alternative sources because the usual media sources RARELY EVER report this positive news. How I create this "island of sanity" within myself is by limiting my exposure to the information that will feed my despair and increasing my exposure to the information that will feed "grounded hope". Grounded hope is a notion that I first heard from the Norwegian climate psychologist and economist Per Espen Stoknes. Grounded hope means hope that is based on many things worldwide that are actually happening to address this issue - not pollyanna-ish fantasy or pie-in-the-sky ideas - and allowing for the possibility that they may combine for a positive outcome. The notion of grounded hope can be utilized for any crisis that is evoking hopelessness. Returning to the image of holding my hands out, in my left hand I am holding the hopelessness/despair and in my right hand I am holding the grounded hope. Sometimes one hand is up and the other down showing me the inner imbalance. If pessimism is high I know that I need to diminish my exposure to news that fuels that emotion and to expose myself to more hopeful news. And vice versa. Seeking inner balance helps me to create an inner island of sanity about this issue.
DAVE
Dave is a 40 year old carpenter-general contractor with three school age children. He began a recent psychotherapy session saying, "Something just happened today that I need to talk about". Then he described how earlier that day he had received an unexpected e-mail from a client with whom he had been working for months planning a major extension of their home - what he described as an "anchor project" in his work life. This was a second home for this couple and they had - without any earlier mentioning that this might happen - decided to put the project "on hold". Dave told this story with a lot of heavy sighing that had an underneath rumbling quality. He said " I know this is an aspect of my work and I just have to accept it". As we explored the feelings that were being evoked I said,"So something that was very important to you that you were relying on has been suddenly taken from you without warning". I recalled that a similar incident had occurred a few years before and suggested those memories were probably being triggered. It quickly became clear also that the underneath rumbling was anger on the precipice of a well of rage. This episode also was tapping into all the feelings of what the Covid epidemic had taken from him - many of the previously reliable constancies of his family life, particularly his kids not being able to go to school in person for much of the last two years, and how much that has affected his work and family life. I also said,"In addition to the feelings of deprivation and loss of so many previously reliable constancies in your life it is important to acknowledge the feelings of powerlessness that this evokes." One of the hardest feelings - for all of us and especially men in our culture - to acknowledge and allow ourselves to feel is powerlessness. When we use energy to suppress that feeling we become tired or it leaks out in irritability and outbursts of frustration. I told Dave that underneath the rumbling anger is rage - the rage of powerlessness. Then he revealed that earlier that day after receiving the e-mail he was in his truck with the windows closed pounding on the steering wheel screaming "What the f...!" I encouraged him to consciously acknowledge the rage and release it without bringing it into his home life. "If you don't acknowledge it" I said, "it will leak out and be expressed toward people that you love." From my perspective all over the world this unacknowledged rage of powerlessness is "leaking out", resulting in significant increases in the amounts of domestic violence, inexplicable acts of public violence and suicide.
I also cautioned Dave about prematurely trying to accept that "This is the way it is". Acceptance, I explained, will happen after he allows himself to feel the powerlessness, that essential aspects of life are being taken from him - deprivation - and the sadness of so many losses. On the other hand, I emphasized the importance of finding a pathway of personal empowerment as a countervailing force against the powerlessness. At the end of the session I said "It is essential amidst all of this that you ask yourself where is my empowerment?"
The following session Dave reported that he had been allowing himself to experience and release all the difficult feelings - thankfully not towards his wife and children. "And also I have been thinking more about one of the side benefits of Covid" he added. He described how, because of the demands of his wife's work, he chose to work less and be home more with his kids. This has produced a deeper level of closeness with them and an increase of positive feelings of himself as a father. I said to Dave, "I have witnessed in our work how important the role of being a good father has always been to you and how much you have evolved as a father through all of this. And NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU". Dave found that, while he may not be able to stop a client from withdrawing from a job, a major pathway of empowerment for him is to cultivate more and feel rooted in the sense of himself as a good father.
OTHER DIFFICULT FEELINGS
Rather than giving detailed examples of working with other big difficult emotions that are being evoked by the current madness, I will describe pathways that I have found personally and professionally helpful. In dealing with sadness it is essential to acknowledge and allow ourselves to feel fully the feelings of losses - big and small - that we are all feeling during this time. There are individual and collective losses - we are all grieving, some of us unconsciously. The countervailing feeling is gratefulness for all we still have in our lives. Gratitude does not negate or diminish the loss, it coexists with it. It is vital to cultivate the emotional state of gratefulness by consciously expressing to ourselves multiple times each day how grateful we are for the many people and things we still have in our lives.
In dealing with fear it is important to acknowledge our fears and also admit that sometimes the feeling is way beyond fear, it is terror. Perhaps you might be surprised to learn how many people have great difficulty in saying "I am afraid", either admitting it to themselves or giving voice to it with others. A salient thing to know: unacknowledged fear always grows bigger in the shadows of our consciousness. The countervailing emotion to fear is courage. Whatever we do, however small, to take a step to do something of which we are afraid is an act of courage. Whatever we do to cultivate courage, our courage muscle grows and so does our self esteem.
For the sense of uncertainty, again it is important to acknowledge - which is hard - the amount of uncertainty that exists about our personal and collective futures. It is important to admit: NO ONE KNOWS WHERE ALL OF THIS IS GOING. Because of all the worldwide crises that exist are happening concurrently with all kinds of unknown interactive effects, it is impossible to predict what will happen. Some "experts" purport to know. All of us either consciously or unconsciously project what we think is going to happen. The human tendency to project onto uncertain situations what we think will happen is built into our genetic neurological patterning. Even when we say "I don't know" when asked what we think will happen, at some level of our consciousness we are projecting. It would be valuable to try to connect to what that projection might be. The problem with entering into what I call Projectionland is that we then experience the feelings - consciously or unconsciously - attached to our projections. And almost all of what we project never happens. The best countervailing reaction to uncertainty about the future is to stay focused on the present. What is happening today, right now at this moment? Focus on that , we know what is happening in our lives at this precious moment. Of course that is not easy to do. It is a daily practice to cultivate. We have some empowerment in our lives. We have very little - if any - power to influence what is happening globally.
In my left hand is the uncertainty of the future, of where these global crises are leading. It is a challenge to acknowledge and allow ourselves to feel that unknowingness. In my right hand is what I am doing today in my personal life. Is there something I can do today to contribute to a positive outcome of these major crises? Interestingly this blog evolved as an answer that query. At least I might be able to help people deal with all of this.
BEING AN ISLAND OF SANITY
Once we have done the psychospiritual work to create an island of sanity for ourselves we can then decide whether to try to be that for other people. The need is great. Whether or not they are consciously aware of the need most people need someone who is willing to step into the role of trying to be a compassionate sane presence amidst the current collective madness.
In this role it is important to be a compassionate open hearted, open minded presence. Whenever we are in the psychological energy field of someone who is expressing these strong feelings it is essential to be a respectful listener who knows that what you are hearing is probably multi-layered and has a history that you are not aware of. In our current culture it is a rare experience for someone to be heard from that level of presence. By being with people in this way we are offering ourselves to be that island of sanity and are creating an emotional atmosphere in which the other person might be receptive to some deeper conversation about countervailing feelings that could be cultivated in order to develop some sense of inner balance. For some of us, because of our work as a psychotherapists, nurses, counselors, ministers, lawyers... many opportunities will be presented to us to be an island of sanity. For others of us in the normal course of life, our everyday interactions will offer opportunities.
Recently I was talking to my friend Alex who manages a local laundromat. He was reporting how in the last two years there has been a significant increase in the number of situations wherein customers erupt with a lot of frustration when the machines aren't working. Others enter the place clearly in a highly stressed state. For Alex - a sensitive soul who has done a lot of personal psychospiritual work- the energy of their stress is palpable. As an example, he talked about an incident that occurred the day before when a customer became very agitated by some problem with a dryer. Alex responded in the way I discussed earlier in this section of the blog and described how the man left the laundromat in a more quieted-down state. I said to Alex that he was being an island of sanity. He was pleased about that notion and my further comment that his work provides many opportunities to be of service in that way.
Another friend Paul drives a truck that delivers fuel oil. This work has allowed Paul to develop his real passion - a small organic farm. He is the oldest person working for this company. As one aspect of his nature he loves having conversations with people who have different perspectives from his own. At work he regularly hears sexist, racist, politically divisive and conspiracy theory comments. Paul is also aware that there usually are deeper emotional reasons why people hold the opinions and feelings they express. From his compassionate perspective he is attuned to possible moments wherein he can engage others one on one. In this way he can be an elder who offers himself as an alternative presence in their lives. Whenever we have discussed these work scenarios Paul too has appreciated my notion of him being an island of sanity. I also commented that this way of being was an expression of his authentic self and provides for him another source of meaning and purpose in his life.
At this time of multiple global crises my experience is that people are yearning - some consciously and others unconsciously - for someone to be a compassionate emotionally balanced presence in their lives. For me that role provides a pathway of some empowerment - something I can do - when so much of what is occurring makes me feel powerless.
