"I did it again. I know what's good for me to do and I don't do it or I do it for a little while,but can't sustain it. It doesn't make any sense to me why this always happens." This is usually said by my patients with a mixture of frustration, confusion and self-anger. Of course it doesn't make any rational sense to them. Why, even with the best intentions and firm resolve, they are unable to stay with their exercise program, eat the right foods, choose the right partners, not return to their addictions etc. It is so frustrating. And insidious.
My patients want to know why. I usually ask "What comes into your mind about why this might happen?" After he/she gives several possible reasons, most of which are usually accurate, I add "Those reasons are probably correct. And, for most of the people that I've worked with there is usually something else, something unconscious, a part of their personality that I'll call The Saboteur. This is a part of your personality that lurks in the shadows out of your awareness. His/her main function is to undermine your happiness. He loves to be in the dark - that increases his power. So the first step is to bring him out into the light and get to know him, how he works, where did he come from." Of course, it doesn't make any rational sense that we would undermine our own happiness. "Yet", I continue," at some level of your consciousness it makes emotional sense. We need to find out what are the reasons for his/her existence. How did he become so secretly powerful in your personality?" Most of my patients feel a mixture of perplexed and intrigued. It does make sense to them however, that they may be sabotaging themselves because they have witnessed the consistent pattern.
I suggest to them that usually the personal historical roots of The Saboteur are in their childhood years wherein, at some deep level they were made to feel unloveable, unworthy of having a good life. It is not feasible within the limitations of a brief blog entry to discuss all the possible derivations. A few examples may be helpful: one patient was told on multiple occasions by her mother,"I wish that I never gave birth to you"; another patient, in a family of high achievers, was told that he was a "fuck-up" and a source of family shame; another always had a sense that no matter what he dud was "not good enough". One aspect of the therapy is to uncover the roots of this pattern, to look at it with compassion, and to begin to question the validity of this inner narrative.
Another aspect of the work is to use imagery. I tell my patients,"The Saboteur loves to be in the dark out of your conscious awareness, to work in the shadows. That increases his power, his effectiveness. What we want to do is to bring him out into the light, to name him, to develop an image of him." Once they understand how insidious and effective The Saboteur is in consistently undermining their happiness most patients like this part of the work. It makes the perplexing pattern less mysterious, reduces the sense of helplessness and introduces an element of playful creativity. One patient calls this sabotaging part of himself "the little fucker" and imagines him as a gremlin-like creature who stands in the corner of the room and who sometimes has a demonic expression and at other times an impish gleam. Another patient has named him simply "The Voice" and imagines him as a heavy-metal rock star who in a gravelly voice sings a particular song whenever he is trying to get my patient to do something that is not in his best interests. Another person uses her artistic ability to draw pictures of her saboteur and brings them into the office. It is interesting to witness the evolution of these drawings as her saboteur diminishes in power. During sessions with each of these patients whenever I notice an example of the undermining pattern I will say,"It looks like 'the little fucker' or 'The Voice' showed up and ask my patient to imagine what they may want to say or do to their saboteur at that moment. Gradually my patients are able to do that increasingly outside of the sessions and reduce the impact of that part of their personalities.
Showing posts with label psychotherapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychotherapy. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Sunday, March 30, 2014
I LOVE MY PATIENTS
I love my patients. When I say this it oftentimes makes others uncomfortable.On one occasion I was being interviewed by a psychiatrist on radio and she said,"I read your book and I really liked what you had to say. However, your using the word love made me uncomfortable. I think that I would have preferred the word nurture - I nurture my patients." I responded,"I am aware that it makes people uncomfortable- sometimes it makes me a little uncomfortable too. We need to ask ourselves why does saying'I love my patients' make us feel that way?" One of the reasons is that in our culture the first associations to the word love are usually to sexual or romantic love. Of course,those expressions of love would probably be harmful to our patients. Yet, in other areas there is a wide spectrum of acceptable expressions of that feeling. We can easily say "I love...my children, my wife,boyfriend,friends,animals,home, community etc. Why not include patients?
Another explanation for the internal struggles is that it feels unprofessional to say,"I love my patients." We tend to define professional as objective and not emotionally attached. Yet, in some other cultures that is not true. Several years ago a dear friend,who is a psychotherapist, was on a trip in Cuba sponsored by a social justice organization. On this two week trip she was among a group of health care professionals who were in Cuba to witness how their health care system worked and to interact with Cuban health care professionals. She was very surprised to witness how often and easily the Cubans said,"I love you" and were openly expressive of their love toward their patients. And how openly they expressed that love of their patients at professional meetings. When she returned we had several interesting conversations. We discussed how our training emphasizes this other notion of "professional" as objective and non-attached - more scientific. It led us to recall how important it was for the early leaders of the fledgling fields of psychotherapy to be accepted by members of the medical and scientific community. They felt that in order to establish the legitimacy of this field among the other sciences that it was essential for them to be viewed as objective and emotionally distant. It seemed to both of us that we were still unnecessarily holding on to that earlier model.
When I am asked during interviews how I express my love I reply that, first of all,it is important to state that I am not talking about sexual or romantic or sentimental love. Those expressions of love towards our patients would be unprofessional and harmful. I am talking about open-hearted expressions of praise,encouragement,compassion,acts of loving kindness,warmth,celebrations of growth,consoling touch,non-judgment,caring challenges etc. A common response from other psychotherapists and counselors is,"I do those things too although probably not as often as I feel them and I don't really talk about it with my colleagues. Also, I don't usually think of those things as an important part of the treatment." Yet,according to the research literature about effective psychotherapy, when clients are asked what was most helpful to you in your therapy most frequently people reply that,"My therapist cared about me as a person." Moreover,there is increasing research on brain patterns indicating that compassionate caring over a period of time changes brain patterns in positive directions.
For most of us psychotherapists, counselors, life coaches, pastoral counselors a significant part of our original intentions in doing this work was our heartfelt desire to help people with their problems - to alleviate human suffering. For many of us our training with its emphasis on theories, techniques and professionalism has caused us to suppress those original heartfelt feelings.
A primary motive for me in writing the book,"Working From the Heart:A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy", doing this monthly blog and Twitter, and making my youtube videos is to advocate that we return to our original heartfelt intention by being more openly expressive of our caring. Then our patients benefit not only from our theories and techniques, but also from our open-hearted expressions of love.
Another explanation for the internal struggles is that it feels unprofessional to say,"I love my patients." We tend to define professional as objective and not emotionally attached. Yet, in some other cultures that is not true. Several years ago a dear friend,who is a psychotherapist, was on a trip in Cuba sponsored by a social justice organization. On this two week trip she was among a group of health care professionals who were in Cuba to witness how their health care system worked and to interact with Cuban health care professionals. She was very surprised to witness how often and easily the Cubans said,"I love you" and were openly expressive of their love toward their patients. And how openly they expressed that love of their patients at professional meetings. When she returned we had several interesting conversations. We discussed how our training emphasizes this other notion of "professional" as objective and non-attached - more scientific. It led us to recall how important it was for the early leaders of the fledgling fields of psychotherapy to be accepted by members of the medical and scientific community. They felt that in order to establish the legitimacy of this field among the other sciences that it was essential for them to be viewed as objective and emotionally distant. It seemed to both of us that we were still unnecessarily holding on to that earlier model.
When I am asked during interviews how I express my love I reply that, first of all,it is important to state that I am not talking about sexual or romantic or sentimental love. Those expressions of love towards our patients would be unprofessional and harmful. I am talking about open-hearted expressions of praise,encouragement,compassion,acts of loving kindness,warmth,celebrations of growth,consoling touch,non-judgment,caring challenges etc. A common response from other psychotherapists and counselors is,"I do those things too although probably not as often as I feel them and I don't really talk about it with my colleagues. Also, I don't usually think of those things as an important part of the treatment." Yet,according to the research literature about effective psychotherapy, when clients are asked what was most helpful to you in your therapy most frequently people reply that,"My therapist cared about me as a person." Moreover,there is increasing research on brain patterns indicating that compassionate caring over a period of time changes brain patterns in positive directions.
For most of us psychotherapists, counselors, life coaches, pastoral counselors a significant part of our original intentions in doing this work was our heartfelt desire to help people with their problems - to alleviate human suffering. For many of us our training with its emphasis on theories, techniques and professionalism has caused us to suppress those original heartfelt feelings.
A primary motive for me in writing the book,"Working From the Heart:A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy", doing this monthly blog and Twitter, and making my youtube videos is to advocate that we return to our original heartfelt intention by being more openly expressive of our caring. Then our patients benefit not only from our theories and techniques, but also from our open-hearted expressions of love.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
CARRIERS OF HOPE
Not all of our patients reach levels of despair or profound discouragement wherein they feel a sense of hopelessness or some significant diminished of their capacity to be hopeful. More than a few clients,however, do experience that dark place at some point in their therapy or counseling.
Sometimes it's because nothing in any area of their life is going well and everyday life feels so overwhelming that they cannot see a away out. Sometimes they feel a sense of powerlessness to change any of the externals of their lives. Sometimes they feel that whatever changes need to occur are so daunting that they are beyond their own inner resources. Sometimes it's because they feel consciously or unconsciously that they are unworthy of a better life. Sometimes it's because they are over attached to certain desired outcomes or over identified with some self-concept or certain ways of being-in-the-world. Usually it is a toxic mixture of several of the above factors.
It is in these moments that our patients need us to be "carriers of hope". It is not necessary for us to offer them reasons to be hopeful,nor is it essential for our client to think of things to feel hopeful about. During these times of profound darkness any imperative to find reasons to be hopeful place too much pressure on our client or us. What we can offer though is companionship in the darkness - to be alone in the dark is more scary - and a persistent willingness to keep working with them on these issues until some light appears. What I usually say to my patients during these difficult times is,"I have experienced my own version of this place a couple of times in my life and I've been with other patients in this dark place. For now I will carry the hope until it reawakens in you."
Whenever I've said that most patients have voiced that they feel relieved and grateful. Occasionally there is some client for whom that message is no conscious source of solace. I simply accept that they are unable to take in my offer at this time and I continue the work placing no extra pressure on them to acknowledge that message.
Twice in my life I have experienced periods of sustained suicidal ideation. I have never acted on those thoughts. Because of my own toxic mixture of the feeling states that I described earlier I know what it feels like to feel that the only way out of the overwhelming darkness is death. Obviously I am grateful that I never acted on those feelings. I am also grateful that I have experienced those states. It is both an additional source of deep compassion for my patients who are suicidal and also helps me to be less fearful about being in that place with them. With most patients who are feeling suicidal I share that aspect of my personal story. It enables them to know that there is an additional source of my genuine empathy - as a human being who has suffered similar states in addition to being a professional who cares. I am also offering myself as a beacon of hope.They are usually grateful for that moment of sharing our humanity. Periodically I do not share my story because I sense for reasons that are idiosyncratic to that patient, that it would not be helpful.
Never in my training was it ever mentioned that one of our important roles was to be "carriers of hope". Increasingly I feel that it is an essential aspect of our work. I'm not sure why. Perhaps in these complicated times wherein the political, economic and environmental issues are placing so much conscious/unconscious pressure on our clients that the need for us to be a source of hope in their individual lives is greater.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Connecting With Our Higher Self
Increasingly in my daily life,meditation and contemplative walks in nature I am trying to deepen my heart connection to my Higher Self. I no longer consider my higher Self as an abstraction. I now think of this aspect of my consciousness as an "old friend" that has been with me a long time - perhaps all my life - yet for most of my life I have not been consciously aware of his existence. Now as I deepen the sense of a personal ongoing connection I feel more his companionship - he's a source of inspiration, loving sustenance and inner peace.
At least a dozen years ago in order to make our relationship more personal - less an abstract concept - I named this aspect of my consciousness. I called my Higher Self "Wiseheart." I think of Wiseheart as the source of my capacity for deep compassion and the carrier of my knowledge- conscious and unconscious, learned and unlearned - in the realm of the heart. I also think of him as the source of my Self-love. I imagine him as a bearded old man with a wizened face. In my office I have a wooden image of his face,carved from second growth redwood, that is tucked into a corner behind the chair my patients sit in.
Five or ten minutes before I begin my morning/afternoon's work I look at this carved image of Wiseheart and say "Help me to be a source of compassion and heart wisdom for my patients today." Then I do some meditational breathing as a way of connecting more deeply to him and letting go of the thoughts and feelings of my ordinary ego consciousness. During sessions,whenever I sense that my small heart is constricting, because I'm feeling depleted or my patient is talking about some big pain or very complex situation, I again look at the carving of Wiseheart. At that moment I again try to connect to him, I breathe deeply and with my exhale breath let go of whatever may be causing me to distance myself. By doing this during every session - often several times - I am able to remain a compassionate presence for hours without becoming emotionally distant or tired.
No one ever told me about the importance of connecting to my Higher Self. No one ever taught me any way of remaining a compassionate loving presence during sessions with my patients. At this time of my life, as an elder in the field of psychotherapy, I mentor my supervises and patients who are health professionals by talking with them about what I do and encouraging them to develop their own ways of personally connecting to their own Higher Self.
I am acutely aware that within the broad spectrum of ways of being a psychotherapist or counselor there is also a wide range of perspectives about higher consciousness. When talking to my supervisees and patients I try to connect to each person's individual cosmology. For some I use the term Higher Self: for some,who have experience with the Recovery perspective, I use the phrase personal Higher Power; for others with a transpersonal perspective we find a term that fits for them; for those with a Christian perspective I use the term Christ Consciousness; for those with a Buddhist worldview i use the term Buddha Nature. From a pragmatic viewpoint - with an awareness that there are differences among these notions - I am trying to connect with whatever fits into the cosmology of that person.
Richard calls his Higher Self "Father Dan." A former priest, who now has a private practice as a psychotherapist and pastoral counselor, Richard is tapping into his warm memories of his compassionate and insightful mentor whose real name was Father dan. At this time of his life Richard imagines Father Dan sitting in the living room of the cabin in the woods where he used to visit his mentor during retreats. At that time he was a priest in his late 20's and early 30's. Now Richard has internalized that memory of Father Dan as his image of his own Higher Self.
Carl, a message therapist in his late thirties, has no visual image of his Higher Self. Instead he has developed this felt sense of a compassionate loving non-judgmental energetic presence. During our sessions Carl will periodically close his eyes and do some deep breathing when he wants to connect to his Higher Self. As he feels his breathing become less constricted, he also feels a releasing of muscular tension in his neck and shoulders. At these moments he can sense the presence of his Higher Self. During these times he feels more receptive to important insights and compassion towards himself and others. Carl also reports that he now does this kind of connecting to his Higher Self before and during his work with his clients.
This topic is discussed in more depth in the Recharging and Small Heart, Big Heart chapters of Working From the Heart.
At least a dozen years ago in order to make our relationship more personal - less an abstract concept - I named this aspect of my consciousness. I called my Higher Self "Wiseheart." I think of Wiseheart as the source of my capacity for deep compassion and the carrier of my knowledge- conscious and unconscious, learned and unlearned - in the realm of the heart. I also think of him as the source of my Self-love. I imagine him as a bearded old man with a wizened face. In my office I have a wooden image of his face,carved from second growth redwood, that is tucked into a corner behind the chair my patients sit in.
Five or ten minutes before I begin my morning/afternoon's work I look at this carved image of Wiseheart and say "Help me to be a source of compassion and heart wisdom for my patients today." Then I do some meditational breathing as a way of connecting more deeply to him and letting go of the thoughts and feelings of my ordinary ego consciousness. During sessions,whenever I sense that my small heart is constricting, because I'm feeling depleted or my patient is talking about some big pain or very complex situation, I again look at the carving of Wiseheart. At that moment I again try to connect to him, I breathe deeply and with my exhale breath let go of whatever may be causing me to distance myself. By doing this during every session - often several times - I am able to remain a compassionate presence for hours without becoming emotionally distant or tired.
No one ever told me about the importance of connecting to my Higher Self. No one ever taught me any way of remaining a compassionate loving presence during sessions with my patients. At this time of my life, as an elder in the field of psychotherapy, I mentor my supervises and patients who are health professionals by talking with them about what I do and encouraging them to develop their own ways of personally connecting to their own Higher Self.
I am acutely aware that within the broad spectrum of ways of being a psychotherapist or counselor there is also a wide range of perspectives about higher consciousness. When talking to my supervisees and patients I try to connect to each person's individual cosmology. For some I use the term Higher Self: for some,who have experience with the Recovery perspective, I use the phrase personal Higher Power; for others with a transpersonal perspective we find a term that fits for them; for those with a Christian perspective I use the term Christ Consciousness; for those with a Buddhist worldview i use the term Buddha Nature. From a pragmatic viewpoint - with an awareness that there are differences among these notions - I am trying to connect with whatever fits into the cosmology of that person.
Richard calls his Higher Self "Father Dan." A former priest, who now has a private practice as a psychotherapist and pastoral counselor, Richard is tapping into his warm memories of his compassionate and insightful mentor whose real name was Father dan. At this time of his life Richard imagines Father Dan sitting in the living room of the cabin in the woods where he used to visit his mentor during retreats. At that time he was a priest in his late 20's and early 30's. Now Richard has internalized that memory of Father Dan as his image of his own Higher Self.
Carl, a message therapist in his late thirties, has no visual image of his Higher Self. Instead he has developed this felt sense of a compassionate loving non-judgmental energetic presence. During our sessions Carl will periodically close his eyes and do some deep breathing when he wants to connect to his Higher Self. As he feels his breathing become less constricted, he also feels a releasing of muscular tension in his neck and shoulders. At these moments he can sense the presence of his Higher Self. During these times he feels more receptive to important insights and compassion towards himself and others. Carl also reports that he now does this kind of connecting to his Higher Self before and during his work with his clients.
This topic is discussed in more depth in the Recharging and Small Heart, Big Heart chapters of Working From the Heart.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Psychotherpists,Counselors,Life Coaches Can Be Soul Friends to Our Clients
In the early stages of my evolution as a psychotherapist periodically patients would say that it felt like I was their "friend." Yet it didn't feel to them like any kind of friendship they had ever known. Some patients,as they were leaving my office, would say"See you next week my friend." Although I didn't express it to my patients, internally something about being their friend made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't quite know how to respond. Nothing in my training prepared me for it. Initially I thought that I had done something wrong- perhaps I had overstepped some boundary and done something unprofessional. Perhaps I had evoked some transference issue or was acting out some personal need for friendship. I was struggling because this notion of friend didn't fit into any category of friendship that I had ever experienced. In the beginning I pathologized it.
Then I read a book by John O'Donohue entitled Anam Cara. It described the Celtic tradition of anam cara - soul friend. In Gaelic the word anam means soul and cara means friend. Since both of my grandparents were Irish immigrants the phrase had a strong resonance. His description of soul friend gave me a framework to understand what kind of unique friendship some of my patients were attempting to describe. It also added an additional layer of sacredness to how I viewed our work. My patients were entrusting their souls to me. For me this insight increased my sense of reverence for our roles as healers and a deeper sense of responsibility.
It is not my intention to engage in an ontological discussion of the notion of soul. That conversation is well beyond the scope of this blog and my book. Suffice it to say that what I mean in this context is the essential nature of the person.
The souls of most of my patients have been neglected, abused or wooded, treated with apathy or disrespect. Many of them have lived in soul-killing environments. I have felt that I need,by my presence and the ambience of my office, to provide the opposite - a sense of sanctuary, a safe refuge for their souls. When we initially meet our patients for the most part their souls are in hiding. From my perspective a primary goal of a more heart-centered approach is to invite the souls of our patients to come out again. From my experience the souls of our patients respond not to rational insights or cognitive techniques, but to welcoming warmth, compassionate presence and acts of loving kindness.
I am advocating that psychotherapists, counselors and life coaches consider the notion that one of our cardinal roles is to be a soul friend to our clients. Being a soul friend is a particular kind of friendship that goes well beyond the ordinary definition of friend. He/she is the kind of friend who honors our essential nature, who wants to know our "deep within" and treats our souls with respectful reverence. He/she invites our soul to come out of hiding through nurturance, affection, celebration of growth and loving challenge. In myriad ways the soul friend says"You are valued. I am here to help you to become more fully the unique being who you can be."
This is based on the Anam Cara chapter of my book Working From the Heart: A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy (Jason Aronson Publishing 2011). Take a look at my website (williampryan.com) for more information.
Then I read a book by John O'Donohue entitled Anam Cara. It described the Celtic tradition of anam cara - soul friend. In Gaelic the word anam means soul and cara means friend. Since both of my grandparents were Irish immigrants the phrase had a strong resonance. His description of soul friend gave me a framework to understand what kind of unique friendship some of my patients were attempting to describe. It also added an additional layer of sacredness to how I viewed our work. My patients were entrusting their souls to me. For me this insight increased my sense of reverence for our roles as healers and a deeper sense of responsibility.
It is not my intention to engage in an ontological discussion of the notion of soul. That conversation is well beyond the scope of this blog and my book. Suffice it to say that what I mean in this context is the essential nature of the person.
The souls of most of my patients have been neglected, abused or wooded, treated with apathy or disrespect. Many of them have lived in soul-killing environments. I have felt that I need,by my presence and the ambience of my office, to provide the opposite - a sense of sanctuary, a safe refuge for their souls. When we initially meet our patients for the most part their souls are in hiding. From my perspective a primary goal of a more heart-centered approach is to invite the souls of our patients to come out again. From my experience the souls of our patients respond not to rational insights or cognitive techniques, but to welcoming warmth, compassionate presence and acts of loving kindness.
I am advocating that psychotherapists, counselors and life coaches consider the notion that one of our cardinal roles is to be a soul friend to our clients. Being a soul friend is a particular kind of friendship that goes well beyond the ordinary definition of friend. He/she is the kind of friend who honors our essential nature, who wants to know our "deep within" and treats our souls with respectful reverence. He/she invites our soul to come out of hiding through nurturance, affection, celebration of growth and loving challenge. In myriad ways the soul friend says"You are valued. I am here to help you to become more fully the unique being who you can be."
This is based on the Anam Cara chapter of my book Working From the Heart: A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy (Jason Aronson Publishing 2011). Take a look at my website (williampryan.com) for more information.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Working From the Heart:A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy
I love my patients. I know that some people will criticize me for being unprofessional in saying that. I know that others will encourage me to use some word or phrase other than love such as "non-judgmental" or "compassionate" or "unconditional positive regard". These are aspects of what I am describing, but insufficient. What I am discussing more is a way of being with clients - a kind of presence that can be integrated into any theoretical perspective of psychotherapy or counseling. I think that a big part of the problem is in our culture using the word love evokes images of sexual, romantic, or sentimental love. That's not what I am talking about. Indeed those forms of love would be harmful to my patients. what I am referring to is a broad spectrum of expressions of love that include: acts of kindness, compassion, encouragement, welcoming, open-hearted warmth, consoling touch,valuing,and celebrations of growth. I would wager that most readers do at least some of those things. And would probably do more if they didn't feel it was unprofessional, harmful or unnecessary.
Most of the psychotherapists,counselors, pastoral counselors and life coaches that I have met originally entered this work because of a heartfelt desire to help people. Yet their training focused on theories,techniques and maintaining professional distance. Developing a compassionate presence. increasing our capacity for empathy, being a kind and caring person or a carrier of hope were infrequently or rarely mentioned. The message inherent in the focus upon theories and techniques is that genuine heartfelt expressions of love are unnecessary, unprofessional,perhaps even harmful.
Here is the paradox and dilemma. Throughout the literature exploring what is effective in psychotherapy, consistently the most common response from clients is"My therapist cared about me as a person". Increasingly brain imaging research reports that a consistent and sustained loving presence can produce positive shifts in brain patterns. Apparently those moments when we genuinely move beyond the strictures of a professional role are healing and very meaningful to our clients.
I am not saying that all our clients need is love. They need our minds and our hearts. The most effective psychotherapy and counseling occurs when we are both professionals using our theories and techniques and loving human beings. What I am advocating in a heart-centered approach is for us to return to our original intentions and bring our compassionate caring more into the foreground of our work.
Opening our hearts makes us more vulnerable. How we respond will depend on what has happened to our hearts in the past when we allowed ourselves to be open and also in our current lives what are our possible unmet emotional needs. In the Wisdom of the Heart chapter I describe the personal issues that I had to work through as I evolved from a traditionally trained psychoanalyst to a more expressively open-hearted therapist. For our patients their primary issue will be of being receptive - how able are they to take in love when it is offered to them. This is the area of "love blocks" that I will discuss in a future blog and is discussed thoroughly in the Love Blocks chapter.
The ideas discussed here are based on the Wisdom of the Heart chapter of my book: Working From the Heart: A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy
Most of the psychotherapists,counselors, pastoral counselors and life coaches that I have met originally entered this work because of a heartfelt desire to help people. Yet their training focused on theories,techniques and maintaining professional distance. Developing a compassionate presence. increasing our capacity for empathy, being a kind and caring person or a carrier of hope were infrequently or rarely mentioned. The message inherent in the focus upon theories and techniques is that genuine heartfelt expressions of love are unnecessary, unprofessional,perhaps even harmful.
Here is the paradox and dilemma. Throughout the literature exploring what is effective in psychotherapy, consistently the most common response from clients is"My therapist cared about me as a person". Increasingly brain imaging research reports that a consistent and sustained loving presence can produce positive shifts in brain patterns. Apparently those moments when we genuinely move beyond the strictures of a professional role are healing and very meaningful to our clients.
I am not saying that all our clients need is love. They need our minds and our hearts. The most effective psychotherapy and counseling occurs when we are both professionals using our theories and techniques and loving human beings. What I am advocating in a heart-centered approach is for us to return to our original intentions and bring our compassionate caring more into the foreground of our work.
Opening our hearts makes us more vulnerable. How we respond will depend on what has happened to our hearts in the past when we allowed ourselves to be open and also in our current lives what are our possible unmet emotional needs. In the Wisdom of the Heart chapter I describe the personal issues that I had to work through as I evolved from a traditionally trained psychoanalyst to a more expressively open-hearted therapist. For our patients their primary issue will be of being receptive - how able are they to take in love when it is offered to them. This is the area of "love blocks" that I will discuss in a future blog and is discussed thoroughly in the Love Blocks chapter.
The ideas discussed here are based on the Wisdom of the Heart chapter of my book: Working From the Heart: A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy
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