THE TOOLBOX

Most of the Patients in my current psychotherapy practice are men. At this stage of the evolution of my professional life, 71 years old with four decades of experience as a psychologist,I have a strong desire to help men navigate the complexity of their emotional relationships with their partners and their children. I view it as a mentoring role within the therapeutic relationship. Most of my patients had fathers and other men in their lives who had limited skills for dealing with emotionally-laden situations.

In talking with my patients about this I find the iconic male image of "the toolbox" a very useful metaphor.For example, during a recent session with Hal, who at 38 is floundering in his efforts to connect emotionally with his wife and two daughters,I said "When your father reached into his emotional toolbox he found only two tools - advice-giving and the hammer of anger. Part of what I will try to do is to give you some additional tools." He smiled and nodded his head. This is a fairly typical exchange. We live in an era in which men are encouraged to connect more with their inner emotional landscape and to enter more into the realm of the heart in their relationships with their partners and their children. However, they have been raised by fathers, grandfathers and uncles from another era. So, while there is a cultural permission to define masculinity in a different way, they still have few models of what that actually means.

When discussing expanding their emotional skills I put my left hand over the edge of my chair, reach down to the floor and say, "Imagine yourself reaching into your toolbox and selecting the right tool that is needed for this situation." Oftentimes men will say that they feel helpless because they don't know what to do. My respond usually is "Often she doesn't need you to do anything. She needs you to be....Sometimes that means being an attentive listener who doesn't interrupt or give advice. Sometimes that means she needs you to be in your heart and not your problem-solving head - to be an open-hearted compassionate presence. Sometimes the tool you need is patience - to give your partner or child the gift of your time while something unfolds." We also talk about being a provider, which is certainly an archetypal male role. The use of that term resonates with my patients at very deep levels of consciousness. However, I'm talking about being a provider not only of their external needs, but also of their inner needs. That means asking the question, "What does my partner or child need from me at this moment to nurture their inner life. Do they need a warm soothing voice, encouragement, some affectionate touch, praise, celebration of an accomplishment ....?

As a way of reminding my patients to respond from their hearts to these emotional situations I recommend to them that they gently touch the breastplate at the center of their chests and do some meditational breathing. I suggest that they tap that spot for several minutes before they enter their home or apartment as a reminder to shift from the problem-solving mode that their work usually requires to the more open-hearted presence that their home life needs. I also encourage them to do that gentle tapping of their heart area during emotional situations at home so that they can respond from the realm of their emotional hearts.

This blog entry is based on the MEN chapter of my book "Working From the Heart:A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy"

Psychotherpists,Counselors,Life Coaches Can Be Soul Friends to Our Clients

   In the early stages of my evolution as a psychotherapist periodically patients would say that it felt like I was their "friend." Yet it didn't feel to them like any kind of friendship they had ever known. Some patients,as they were leaving my office, would say"See you next week my friend." Although I didn't express it to my patients, internally something about being their friend made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't quite know how to respond. Nothing in my training prepared me for it. Initially I thought that I had done something wrong- perhaps I had overstepped some boundary and done something unprofessional. Perhaps I had evoked some transference issue or was acting out some personal need for friendship. I was struggling because this notion of friend didn't fit into any category of friendship that I had ever experienced. In the beginning I pathologized it.
   Then I read a book by John O'Donohue entitled Anam Cara. It described the Celtic tradition of anam cara - soul friend. In Gaelic the word anam means soul and cara means friend. Since both of my grandparents were Irish immigrants the phrase had a strong resonance. His description of soul friend gave me a framework to understand what kind of unique friendship some of my patients were attempting to describe. It also added an additional layer of sacredness to how I viewed our work. My patients were entrusting their souls to me. For me this insight increased my sense of reverence for our roles as healers and a deeper sense of responsibility.
   It is not my intention to engage in an ontological discussion of the notion of soul. That conversation is well beyond the scope of this blog and my book. Suffice it to say that what I mean in this context is the essential nature of the person.
   The souls of most of my patients have been neglected, abused or wooded, treated with apathy or disrespect. Many of them have lived in soul-killing environments. I have felt that I need,by my presence and the ambience of my office, to provide the opposite - a sense of sanctuary, a safe refuge for their souls. When we initially meet our patients for the most part their souls are in hiding. From my perspective a primary goal of a more heart-centered approach is to invite the souls of our patients to come out again. From my experience the souls of our patients respond not to rational insights or cognitive techniques, but to welcoming warmth, compassionate presence and acts of loving kindness.
   I am advocating that psychotherapists, counselors and life coaches consider the notion that one of our cardinal roles is to be a soul friend to our clients. Being a soul friend is a particular kind of friendship that goes well beyond the ordinary definition of friend. He/she is the kind of friend who honors our essential nature, who wants to know our "deep within" and treats our souls with respectful reverence. He/she invites our soul to come out of hiding through nurturance, affection, celebration of growth and loving challenge. In myriad ways the soul friend says"You are valued. I am here to help you to become more fully the unique being who you can be."

   This is based on the Anam Cara chapter of my book Working From the Heart: A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy (Jason Aronson Publishing 2011). Take a look at my website (williampryan.com) for more information.

Working From the Heart:A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy

    I love my patients. I know that some people will criticize me for being unprofessional in saying that. I know that others will encourage me to use some word or phrase other than love such as "non-judgmental" or "compassionate" or "unconditional positive regard". These are aspects of what I am describing, but insufficient. What I am discussing more is a way of being with clients - a kind of presence that can be integrated into any theoretical perspective of psychotherapy or counseling. I think that a big part of the problem is in our culture using the word love evokes images of sexual, romantic, or sentimental love. That's not what I am talking about. Indeed those forms of love would be harmful to my patients. what I am referring to is a broad spectrum of expressions of love that include: acts of kindness, compassion, encouragement, welcoming, open-hearted warmth, consoling touch,valuing,and celebrations of growth. I would wager that most readers do at least some of those things. And would probably do more if they didn't feel it was unprofessional, harmful or unnecessary.
   Most of the psychotherapists,counselors, pastoral counselors and life coaches that I have met originally entered this work because of a heartfelt desire to help people. Yet their training focused on theories,techniques and maintaining professional distance. Developing a compassionate presence. increasing our capacity for empathy, being a kind and caring person or a carrier of hope were infrequently or rarely mentioned. The message inherent in the focus upon theories and techniques is that genuine heartfelt expressions of love are unnecessary, unprofessional,perhaps even harmful.
   Here is the paradox and dilemma. Throughout the literature exploring what is effective in psychotherapy, consistently the most common response from clients is"My therapist cared about me as a person". Increasingly brain imaging research reports that a consistent and sustained loving presence can produce positive shifts in brain patterns. Apparently those moments when we genuinely move beyond the strictures of a professional role are healing and very meaningful to our clients.
   I am not saying that all our clients need is love. They need our minds and our hearts. The most effective psychotherapy and counseling occurs when we are both professionals using our theories and techniques and loving human beings. What I am advocating in a heart-centered approach is for us to return to our original intentions and bring our compassionate caring more into the foreground of our work.
   Opening our hearts makes us more vulnerable. How we respond will depend on what has happened to our hearts in the past when we allowed ourselves to be open and also in our current lives what are our possible unmet emotional needs. In the Wisdom of the Heart chapter I describe the personal issues that I had to work through as I evolved from a traditionally trained psychoanalyst to a more expressively open-hearted therapist. For our patients their primary issue will be of being receptive - how able are they to take in love when it is offered to them. This is the area of "love blocks" that I will discuss in a future blog and is discussed thoroughly in the Love Blocks chapter.

 The ideas discussed here are based on the Wisdom of the Heart chapter of my book: Working From the Heart: A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy