THE SPECTRUM OF WOW

It is especially important during these times to pay attention to moments of awe. Whenever they occur I encourage you to pause for at least a few more seconds and take them in more deeply. There are daily moments of small WOWS, periodic moments of medium WOWS and occasional moments of BIG WOWS!! I refer to them as the "spectrum of WOW".

These experiences of awe are always salient and yet we tend to quickly move on from them. During this very difficult period of many losses and great uncertainty about the future these WOW moments are especially significant because they uplift our Souls, can recharge our tired batteries, ground us and are beacons of hope in the darkness.

SMALL WOWS

Just as we were beginning our first session outside after months of phone sessions a patient encouraged me to look above and behind me. We both paused and witnessed droplets of overnight rain on pine needles bathing in the morning light. It was a moment of shared WOW.

Sitting on the back porch of the home of another patient who has early onset dementia - phone sessions did not work with him - we both smiled at the WOW of the rumbles of thunder in the sky above his field of grass. We talked about our shared love of thunder and lightning, liking the power of nature and edginess of those moments. Periodically during this session the thunder returned. Each time we paused and enjoyed the WOWS of that moment. Even within the issues created by "his condition" he could savor these moments - even more so there are so many things he cannot do. For each of us there are so many small moments of potential awe in each day. A hummingbird hovering over a flower, a small child running into a parent or grandparents arms, a moving piece of music, a good play/shot in sports, a moment of witnessing beauty, the initial bite of ice cream on a hot day.... So many. It's important to notice and take them in. They can lift our spirits when the cumulative effect of what is happening is weighing us down.

MEDIUM WOWS

Amidst the fear, pain, losses and diviseness of these times we are all witnessing or hear about many individual acts of loving kindness and everyday heroism. They touch our hearts deeply and remind us of what we are capable of - our innate ability to rise above our personal concerns and help others who are in need. WOW. So many stories. So inspiring and hopeful. Sometimes a current experience can remind us of an earlier WOW.

Last week I was listening to a jazz CD and it reminded me of an experience at the Newport Jazz Festival a few years ago. I was at the Festival with two of my sons (Mark and Scott) and each of the had brought one of their children(10 year old Thomas and 6 year old Noelle). It rained all day. Walking from one venue to another - even though the gig was under a huge tent - you could get drenched. I was sitting under a tent dry and unable to save any seats when Noelle and her dad arrived very wet and stood in the nearby aisle. Thomas and his dad were also soaked and stood in the aisle on the other side of me. At that moment a man got up and offered Thomas his seat. Thomas then beckoned for Noelle to sit on his lap. Then the woman next to them offered Noelle a towel and helped to dry her. Shortly after that Jon Batiste was on stage and said, "For the next song I would ask you to close your eyes and think of it as a meditation". Then he sang,"What a Wonderful World" in the style that his hero Louis Armstrong sang it. I became tearful and on the second chorus I began weeping. I had just witnessed a few minutes before these simple moments of human kindness. My heart became full again as I remembered it. During this time when other ways of being together feel unsafe and usual sources of entertainment are closed many people are taking walks in natural settings. This offers opportunities for WOWS - if we are open to them. If you are walking by yourself periodically take a few minuttes to stop and close your eyes. If you are with someone you can do this together. Listen to the sounds, smell the aromas, touch what is next to you. Opening to your other senses will help you to be more present and less focused on your thoughts. This will gradually open your consciousness to more WOWS. The whole walk can be an individual or shared sense of awe.

BIG WOWS

Periodically there are moments with our spouse/partner/lover when we look at them with BIG LOVE - a feeling different from our ordinary everyday love. Its as if the essence of their being - their soul - is just shining brightly and our souls are open and vulnerable too. We are just being there with our beloved. In AWE of his/her Beauty. A similar thing happens with our children or grandchildren. There are special instances when the jewel of their personhood is so clear. We are totally present and witnessing her/his essential nature. BIG WOWS!

When we witness a special sunset, a huge rainbow, an ancient redwood a .... It is so important in these unique moments in nature to resist the impulse to quickly take out our cameras and try to capture the uncapturable. Instead I encourage you to just to be with the bigness of the moment. To take in more deeply the awesomeness of a rare experience. It will help us to deepen our connection to the natural world to realize that we are part of - not outside of - nature. Periodically we are moved deeply by a piece of music or art or a dance performance or some other of the myriad forms of artistic expression. "Something" of the Beauty of it is touching our souls and hearts in a way that is unique to the moment. We are being lifted up and out of the ordinary into the extraordinary.

Again it is so important to allow ourselves to be transported into some other realm of experiencing. These WOWS are important at any time, but are especially vital at this time when our souls yearn to be lifted up, to push away the emotional weight of these heavy times and for a while to be free. If we are going to be able to sustain ourselves during these times all of our moments of WOW - big and small - are essential not extra.

Recently I had an experience of BIG WOW. I live in a small home on two and a half acres surrounded by large pine trees. On this afternoon I was sitting on a wooden bench alongside a brook that runs through our property about twenty feet from the back of our home. As I was about to take the first bite of my luncheon sandwich I looked to my left and there was a young buck with small antlers about thirty feet away just browsing on some vegetation. He looked at me, I looked at him. As I was looking, inside my mind I said to him"Be not afraid of me, I will not harm you". He continued to munch away periodically looking up to glance at me as I ate my sandwich. Then after about five or ten minutes he moved about ten feet closer, looked at me and looking at him again I said internslly"Be not afraid of me". We both continued to munch on our food. Then I said to myself "We are having lunch together". After several more minutes another same sized young buck appeared! He came even closer to me and they both browsed for a while. Perhaps they were buddies. After a few more minutes the first one slowly wandered up the hill behind our home continuing to enjoy his food. His friend gradually followed him except he walked up on the stone pathway that my wife and I had built years before so that we could walk up to a meditation spot on the top of the hill. In no hurry, clearly enjoying what was on the menu on our property, they both slowly drifted over the hill. This was one of the biggest nature WOWS of my life!!!

The busyness of our ordinary lives coupled with the significant extra stresses of trying to navigate these extra-ordinary times are very draining. The psychological impact is cumulative and will continue to build as we live with so much ongoing uncertainty about where this is all going. These moments of small, medium and big WOWS will uplift our spirits and help recharge our batteries to sustain us. The WOWS also connect us to other aspects of our individual consciousness that transcend and coexist with our ordinary consciousnesds. If we open to the moments of AWE they can help us to deepen our connection to other aspects of our own being, to the consciousness of others and to other realms of larger interconnectedness. We need all of that during these times.

BEING A VEHICLE OF DIVINE LOVE

In my few moments of meditational preparation before I see my first person of the day one of the prayers I say is "Help me to be a vehicle of Divine Love with my patients today." This prayer reflects an evolution of my thinking regarding my role as a psychotherapist. Increasingly some of the notions of the mystical traditions have become central to my evolving worldview, my view of myself in the world, and my lifework as a psychotherapist. My twice weekly contemplative walks in the woods and my meditations sitting with my back against a tree have contributed to what is unfolding. I playfully think of myself as an "aspiring nature mystic."
Most of the mystics(including Meister Eckhart in the Christian tradition, Abraham Heschel in the Judaic tradition, Rumi in the Sufi tradition) teach about the interconnectedness of all beings. They also say that there exists a metaconsciousness(which has different names in each of their traditions) the essence of which is love. They talk about the Divine and Divine Love.
One of my intentions in my woodland walks is to connect more to the Divine. In my efforts to make the relationship more personal I use the sun as an image of the Divine and refer to it as "the Old One." I find it helpful, and yet I acknowledge that it is a limited attempt to grasp the unknowable. Moreover, I imagine the rays of the sun shining through the trees as emanations of Divine Love - a love that shines on everyone and everything. It is this Divine Love that I'm trying to access in my prayers before seeing my patients.
Periodically people ask me how I have been able to be in the presence of so much pain, doubt, sadness, fear, depression for so many years without getting burnt out. I reply that if I were reliant only upon the small heart of my ordinary ego the accumulated weight of carrying all that would become overwhelming long ago. However, many years ago I began to find it very helpful to access my personal Higher Self as a source of a much greater capacity for compassion and other forms of love. Since then whenever I am able to transcend my ordinary ego and access my Higher Self - whom I have named Wiseheart - during sessions I am able to be a compassionate presence for hours. Moreover, for many years I have thought of Wiseheart as being connected to an infinitely larger consciousness capable of an amount of love that is beyond our ability to understand. Gradually my thinking about that larger consciousness has evolved into the notion that my old friend Wiseheart is an aspect of the Divine and a conduit of Divine Love. Recently I've thought that when I'm connecting to Wiseheart I am being a vehicle or conduit of that source of love. So in my prayer before beginning work I am asking Wiseheart,"Help me to be a vehicle of Divine Love with my patients today."

SACRED ENTRUSTING

It is essential that our patients feel that they "are in good hands" when they come to us with their problems. As their psychotherapy sessions continue they become more vulnerable and reveal to us their innermost thoughts and feelings. Periodically they say,"I've never told this before to anyone." This is a "sacred entrusting." Although they have been wounded by others they are expecting and hoping that we will be different and that we will them with respect, compassion and loving kindness. From my perspective we make with them a sacred agreement, often unspoken, to be that entrusted person.
As part of the evolution of my work, increasingly I feel that there is another sacred entrusting - between me and Life. Between me and the Divine. In whatever way the referral originally occurred Life has presented me with these patients. The Divine asks me, in addition to using my skills and experience, to treat each of them with respect, importance and love. Although I don't usually consciously acknowledge it, I feel that at some higher level of consciousness I am saying "Yes" to that sacred pact.

I DON'T DESERVE LOVE

This is the most insidious love block. This underlying pattern - often unconscious - contaminates all the possibilities of feeling loved. Whenever someone offers love in any one of its myriad forms - praise, affection, help, commitment … - our client is unable to receive it. On the surface they may appear to be receptive, but they are psychologically unable to take the love in at a deep level. Because at some level of consciousness they feel unworthy of what is being offered to them.
The deeply engrained belief that they don't deserve to be loved, that they are unworthy of a good rich life undermines and sabotages all relationships, any positive feelings about work success and all the gifts of love.
The initial task of psychotherapy with my clients is to help them become more consciously aware of this pervasive pattern of being unable to simply take in love in all its myriad forms. I say to them,"Of course it doesn't make any rational sense that you would block love, but at some level of consciousness it makes emotional sense. There must be some reasons why that happens. From my experience these patterns start in childhood. What about growing up in your family may have contributed to this inner belief that you are unloveable?" This begins the process of exploring the historical roots of the love block.
Jim, a dynamic 48 year old successful businessman had been experiencing episodes of sadness about what's missing in his life - primarily a loving relationship with a woman. Whenever a potentially good relationship starts to become more intimate Jim either ends it or sabotages it so that the woman decides to break it off. Through our exploratory work it became clear to Jim that the physically and psychologically abusive relationship with his mother, who was depressed and addicted to pain killers, had made him feel unlovable. In her addicted state she would scream at him that he was "evil, a devil child". These frequent tirades occurred for years and had a devastating effect on Jim's feelings about himself. Because these feelings of unlovability are usually so deeply engrained for everyone with this love block a lot of work between sessions was essential.
I gave Jim two index cards. On one was written "YOU ARE LOVABLE" and the other,"YOU DESERVE A GOOD LIFE". I suggested to Jim that between sessions he periodically look at these cards, say the words and then notice what happened. Of course this was hard and painful. He would complain to me "those damn cards" reporting the painful memories they evoked and his ever deepening awareness of how hard it was for him to believe those simple phrases. Gradually, as Jim understood the roots of this inner belief - including the epiphany that he was the target for his mother's own self-hatred because of her history of abuse and shame about her addiction - he was able to be more receptive to love. It was particularly meaningful - since Jim was in recovery for his own alcoholism - for him to think that the source of the voice that was saying "You" in the phrase "YOU ARE LOVABLE" was his own personal Higher Power. He liked thinking that his own Higher Power was doing the work of helping him to feel lovable that his parents were unable to do.
One of the benefits of a heart-centered approach to psychotherapy, wherein our genuine caring is more overtly expressed, is that their love blocks get more quickly exposed. Clients with the "I don't deserve love" block have a lot of trouble simply receiving our praise and other acts of caring for them. They react with disbelief,"You're just doing your job which is to make me feel better." Or like Sara said,"When you get to know what I'M really like you won't think that I'm such a good person. Whereas my parents really knew me." Her parents were members of a very conservative Christian sect. They responded to her free-spirited nature and acts of disobedience as her being a "black sheep" a "sinner" and "damned to hell."
My approach to Sara was three-pronged. The first prong was to discredit the sources of her deeply rooted belief that she was unlovable by repeatedly raising the question whether her parents really knew her. It became increasingly clear to Sara that they were absorbed in their own lives. Sara was a target for their anger about their own unhappiness and their projections of very low self-worth.
The second and most important prong was to deliberately not be in the role of the neutral professional , but to make it clear that I really valued and appreciated her as a person. Over a period of time my genuine praise, warmth, consistent encouragement, welcoming attitude, celebrations of her moments of growth and laughter at her jokes made Sara feel that she was a lovable human being.
The third prong was self-forgiveness. Because of the parental implant of this inner belief that she was a "sinner"Sara made a number of bad choices and done things for which she was ashamed. She was relieved to hear that the techniques that I was using to help her forgive herself grew out of my own experience of needing to forgive myself. I will not describe the process in this blog entry because I've written about it extensively In my book "Working From the Heart" and described it in a youtube video.
With Sara and Jim, as with most clients with this love block, the work was intensive and only gradually impactful. And very meaningful for myself as well as my clients.


This blog is based on the LOVE BLOCKS chapter of WORKING FROM THE HEART: A THERAPIST'S GUIDE TO HEART-CENTERED PSYCHOTHERAPY

….AND….

This blog entry is intentionally brief. It contains a simple concrete suggestion that is very symbolic in its purpose and potentially multi-layered in its impact. Hopefully, as a reader, you do not find it simplistic.
Whenever my patients use the word "but" in the narrative that describes their thoughts and feelings I encourage them to substitute the word "and". "But" is a word that tens to negate or diminish what preceded it, whereas "and" connotes inclusiveness and coexistence. My intention is to help my clients develop an inner landscape wherein conflictual, sometimes polar opposite, thoughts and feelings can be contained with less tension and more respectful coexistence.
Some examples. Often my patients say,"I feel like I did a good job, but …." and then give a list of reasons why it was not perfect. The positive feeling gets negated or diminished by whatever follows after "but". Other clients describing a spouse/lover/friend say "I love/like ___ but …." and then tell about some annoying or hated characteristics or opposite feelings. Again the love/like gets lost or weakened by the litany of complaints.
Usually I will encourage my patients to substitute "and" for "but" by saying to themselves "I did a good job and I could also have …." as away of counteracting the inner notion That I can't feel good about what I've done unless it lives up to perfectionistic standards. I recommend to other patients to say to themselves "I love my lover/spouse/friend and I hate when he …." as a way of acknowledging and honoring the coexistence of opposite feelings about the same person.
Gradually the use of this simple substitution - in conjunction with our deeper work -becomes a useful tool to expand their capacity to have many complex feelings coexisting within their consciousness.

WISEHEART; A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HIGHER SELF

Many years ago - as a way of developing a more intimate relationship with that aspect of my consciousness - I named my Higher Self. I call him Wiseheart. By giving him a name that transcendent aspect of my consciousness moved from being an abstract notion (which might have many possible labels: Higher Self, personal Higher Power, Buddha Nature, Christ Consciousness …) to something more concrete and deeply personal. The visual image I have of him is that of a bearded old man who emanates deep loving compassion and wisdom. In a corner of my office, behind the chairs where patients sit, I have placed a totem of Wiseheart - the face of a bearded old man carved from second growth redwood. On a tree across the brook that runs behind my home I have hung a similar concrete image of my old friend. Both of these iconic images are daily reminders of the ongoing presence in my life of Wiseheart.
My life and work have been deeply enriched by this relationship with Wiseheart. The purpose of this brief essay is to encourage other psychotherapists and counsellors, in whatever way works for you, to develop a more intimate relationship with your Higher Self. Hour after hour, day after day we are in the psychological field of the suffering and struggles of our clients. We are exposed to so much sadness, fear, confusion, doubt. To be a compassionate open-hearted presence wherein our minds and our hearts are fully engaged with the struggles of our clients is -if we really allow ourselves to think about it - too daunting a task for our small selves, our small hearts. By connecting to something larger within ourselves, something that has a much larger Heart capable of great compassion and love, and something that is capable of more transcendent perspectives on the issues of our patients, it is very possible to be compassionately present with them for hours without becoming overwhelmed, numb or depleted. Our Higher Self is that source within our own consciousness. The good news is that He/She is always with us. Our task is to become more aware that this aspect of our consciousness exists, to engage more fully in an ongoing intimate relationship with it and to develop ways of connecting with our Higher Self during sessions.
Five minutes before starting my early morning or late afternoon sessions I look at my carving of Wiseheart, take some meditational breaths, and ask Him for assistance. "Help me to be a vehicle of compassion, of loving kindness and the wisdom of the heart with my patients today. Help me to tap into the healing knowledge within me and from other sources of wisdom outside of myself." Then I open the door and welcome my first person.
Invariably as the daily work unfolds I am in the psychological energy field of some big sadness/fearfulness/confusion/anger that my patients are experiencing. I think that the ordinary human reaction at these moments would be to pull back or shut down -probably without conscious awareness -our hearts as a way of protecting ourselves from being overwhelmed by the bigness of the feelings. What I have learned to do as soon as I become aware that my patient is experiencing one of these big emotional states is to look over at Wiseheart and start doing some meditational breathing. With the in-breath I imagine that I am connecting to this Big Heart, that aspect of my Higher Self that is easily able to be present in a deeply compassionate way. I also imagine that I am accessing wisdom perspectives that transcend ordinary consciousness. With the out-breath I imagine that I am letting go of any anxiety about being overwhelmed, that I am releasing any of my patient's big feelings that may have entered the psychological; energy field of my personal consciousness.
I continue to be grateful for and awed by how doing this enables me to be present in an open-hearted loving way in the face of huge patient feelings. For hours. And not feel emotionally drained, numb or detached. Having done this way of connecting to Wiseheart for many years I never cease to be amazed by His capacity to be deeply compassionate in the presence of some horrific stories and to be a source of what some ancient sages referred to as "the peace that underlies all things."
As I end this essay I again want to encourage psychotherapists and counsellors to develop some daily practice of connecting to your personal Higher Self.Before I begin my contemplative walks in local nature settings I say to myself that one of my intentions is to use this time to deepen my connection to Wiseheart. After my meditations I pray that I become more open and receptive to Wiseheart,s love and guidance. I am profoundly grateful that He provides me with loving companionship and wise guidance both in my everyday life and in my work as a psychotherapist. I hope that your Higher Self does the same for you.


This blog entry is based on work in the Small Heart,Big Heart chapter of "Working From the Heart: A Psychotherapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy"

HELP ME TO FORGIVE MYSELF

At some point in their therapy every client tells us something for which they need to forgive themselves. Yet for most of us our training did not teach us how to help our clients to forgive themselves. I learned how about twenty years ago from a very painful personal experience.
From that experience I was able to discern four important aspects of a process. First, while there are certain steps that we can take to facilitate the work, self-forgiveness unfolds with each person according to its own timetable. The other three aspects have to do with using petitionary prayer, the healing power of spending time in nature and the importance of using some guided imagery as a way of tapping into other realms of consciousness.
Self-forgiveness is not a rational process. It cannot effectively be attained through analytic reasoning,some form of intellectual understanding or some other primarily cognitive process. Because forgiveness occurs in the territory of the heart and spirit it can only be accessed in those realms. As psychotherapists and counselors we need to find ways of tapping into those other realms of consciousness that transcend our everyday ego processes.
I encourage my patients to use certain prayers/mantras. Sometimes these prayers are a kind of petition that is reaching out to some external source of forgiveness outside of ourselves. What patients call this source depends on their particular spiritual path. These prayers also attempt to connect us to some internal source of forgiveness. I tell my patients that they are calling on some aspect of their personal consciousness that transcends their everyday mind, a source of deep inner wisdom that knows what is in their best interests. I use the terms Higher Self, Deep Self or Personal Higher Power to give a name to this inner source. When one of those names does not resonate with a particular patient, we find something else.
I write on three separate index cards:
Help Me To Forgive Myself
Please Forgive Me
Help Me To Feel Forgiven
and give them to my patients suggesting that they put them in a shirt/blouse pocket next to their heart, in their car or in some other place where they will see it often. I encourage them to take the cards out and say these prayers/mantras often between sessions. In the first session after I hand them those cards I ask my patients about their experience in using the cards. Most commonly they have used them only a few times often guiltily reporting,"I didn't do my homework". I respond warmly with a smile,"That's what happens with most patients. That's how guilt works - it will undermine our work by getting you not to do what will help you to feel better." And then I encourage them to do more. They usually do.
I also suggest taking the prayers with them on solitary walks to some local nature setting that is special to them. Contemplating the words while walking in the woods, by the ocean, along a brook or on the top of a hill deepens the efficacy of the prayer. I explain to my patients that in many ancient spiritual traditions it was common for people, whenever they needed some deep psychospiritual healing, to go away from the distractions of everyday life and go into the natural world. This form of retreat into some place in nature fostered greater access to other non-rational realms of consciousness both within and outside of themselves.
After several weeks of saying the prayers and visiting their nature place between sessions I begin to use guided imagery. I ask my patient to close their eyes and have them do several minutes of meditational breathing. Then I say," Imagine that you are taking a solitary walk in your nature setting. Remember that this is a safe place where no harm can come to you." For some patients who prefer forest settings I will guide them to a clearing in the woods with an ancient deeply rooted tree in the center; for others it will be a long walk along the edge of the ocean listening to the gentle waves; for others it will be a walk through the woods to their brook or river where there will be a stone to sit on. After a while I will say,"Stop walking. Now begin to imagine coming towards you at a distance that feels safe to you, some image of forgiveness. It is important to trust whatever image shows up at this time, even if it makes no sense to you. Spend some time just witnessing this image. Now begin to imagine opening up your heart and letting in the forgiveness that the image in some way is offering."
In the twenty years that I've been doing this self-forgiveness work I've witnessed a wide spectrum of images. Sometimes what emerges is very personal to that patient - some loved one or beloved pet. Sometimes it will be an image from their spiritual or religious tradition. Sometimes it will be an archetypal image. Sometimes a "presence". Sometimes a warm light or enveloping fog. Sometimes... Since a lot of what happens in this work is mysterious and idiosyncratic to that person, it is important for us to respect whatever image shows up and to quiet down our need to analyze or interpret. Sometimes a patient spontaneously tells why he/she thinks that a particular image occurred. I've learned over these many years that my need to analyze and understand can interfere with a sacred process. So nowadays I rarely inquire - unless I can't contain my curiosity.
Usually there will be a number of these imagery sessions, sometimes in back to back sessions, more commonly interspersed over several months. For some clients the forgiveness image remains the same each time. Often it changes. It is essential to trust how the process unfolds with each patient and to remember that forgiveness does not occur in linear time. You may do this imagery work for weeks and at some point it feels finished. Then for many patients the need for more work becomes clear six months later. In these instances forgiveness needs over time to penetrate through many layers of consciousness.

Of course it is not possible within the limitations of a blog entry to discuss all the ways of working with self-forgiveness in great depth. For a deeper discussion including several examples of particular patients and a description of my personal experience that led to this work take a look at "Wisdom of the Heart: A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy.

CARRIERS OF HOPE

Not all of our patients reach levels of despair or profound discouragement wherein they feel a sense of hopelessness or some significant diminished of their capacity to be hopeful. More than a few clients,however, do experience that dark place at some point in their therapy or counseling.

Sometimes it's because nothing in any area of their life is going well and everyday life feels so overwhelming that they cannot see a away out. Sometimes they feel a sense of powerlessness to change any of the externals of their lives. Sometimes they feel that whatever changes need to occur are so daunting that they are beyond their own inner resources. Sometimes it's because they feel consciously or unconsciously that they are unworthy of a better life. Sometimes it's because they are over attached to certain desired outcomes or over identified with some self-concept or certain ways of being-in-the-world. Usually it is a toxic mixture of several of the above factors.

It is in these moments that our patients need us to be "carriers of hope". It is not necessary for us to offer them reasons to be hopeful,nor is it essential for our client to think of things to feel hopeful about. During these times of profound darkness any imperative to find reasons to be hopeful place too much pressure on our client or us. What we can offer though is companionship in the darkness - to be alone in the dark is more scary - and a persistent willingness to keep working with them on these issues until some light appears. What I usually say to my patients during these difficult times is,"I have experienced my own version of this place a couple of times in my life and I've been with other patients in this dark place. For now I will carry the hope until it reawakens in you."

Whenever I've said that most patients have voiced that they feel relieved and grateful. Occasionally there is some client for whom that message is no conscious source of solace. I simply accept that they are unable to take in my offer at this time and I continue the work placing no extra pressure on them to acknowledge that message.

Twice in my life I have experienced periods of sustained suicidal ideation. I have never acted on those thoughts. Because of my own toxic mixture of the feeling states that I described earlier I know what it feels like to feel that the only way out of the overwhelming darkness is death. Obviously I am grateful that I never acted on those feelings. I am also grateful that I have experienced those states. It is both an additional source of deep compassion for my patients who are suicidal and also helps me to be less fearful about being in that place with them. With most patients who are feeling suicidal I share that aspect of my personal story. It enables them to know that there is an additional source of my genuine empathy - as a human being who has suffered similar states in addition to being a professional who cares. I am also offering myself as a beacon of hope.They are usually grateful for that moment of sharing our humanity. Periodically I do not share my story because I sense for reasons that are idiosyncratic to that patient, that it would not be helpful.

Never in my training was it ever mentioned that one of our important roles was to be "carriers of hope". Increasingly I feel that it is an essential aspect of our work. I'm not sure why. Perhaps in these complicated times wherein the political, economic and environmental issues are placing so much conscious/unconscious pressure on our clients that the need for us to be a source of hope in their individual lives is greater.

Accessing Our Big Hearts

    Once our work day begins we are in the psychological field of whatever each patient brings to us that day. Sometimes what they bring feels enormous and overwhelming: profound sadness or despair, terror or unrelenting anxiety, tremendous rage, or, a huge void. When our patients experience these big feeling states, there is a palpable shift in the energy in the room. In the presence of these states it is understandable that our first response, often unconscious, is to constrict our emotional hearts as a way of protecting ourselves from being overwhelmed.

   On some days there is something occurring in our own lives that makes it very difficult for us to be compassionately present. We are feeling miserable because we have a heavy chest cold or did not sleep well. We're worried about how we are going to pay that huge doctor's bill or this month's rent. We had a big argument with our spouse or partner or adolescent daughter this morning.

   Under these circumstances we may wonder how are we going to get through this evening's work and be present to our patients. In these moments it is important to remember that we all have Big Hearts that are able to transcend the limitations of the small hearts of our ordinary consciousness. How we understand the source of this Big Heart will depend on our cosmology. Yet we all know about the existence of these aspects of our consciousness from personal experience. We all have these periodic moments when we transcend our ordinary love and feel a much larger love for our spouse/partner, for our child, for a dear friend, for a particular place, for a beloved animal, for ..... These are Big Heart moments.  From my perspective my Big Heart is an aspect of my Higher Self. Someone else might postulate that this larger love emanates from their personal Higher Power or Buddha Nature or Christ Consciousness or .....  

The important pragmatic question is how do we access his Big Heart during psychotherapy or counseling sessions? I think that it is very helpful to have some image of this larger heart that uniquely fits for us. Many years ago my wife, Jeanne, gave me a piece of California redwood that had been carved into the wizened face of a bearded old man. I keep this carving in my office in a corner behind my patient's chair as an iconic image of my old friend Wiseheart, my name for my personal Higher Self. I think of Wiseheart as the Big Heart aspect of my consciousness. he is also the container of the enlarged compassion that has developed through my life experiences and the conduit for other sources of deep compassion and wisdom that are available to me through the collective unconscious. I encourage my patients and supervisees to develop their own personal image of their Big Heart. Until that emerges I suggest that they imagine a larger emotional heart that is located near their physical heart.  

   About five or ten minutes before the beginning of my first session, I use a small wooden hammer to tap an antique Chinese bell that sits on the floor inside my office door. This tapping ritual is a symbolic reminder that my intention is to enter a psychological space that is different from the concerns of my everyday life. Then I look at the carving of Wiseheart, imagining that I am connecting to my Big Heart and then I do some meditational breathing. Then I open the door to welcome my first patient.

   During sessions whenever I begin to feel overwhelmed by the bigness of the feeling states that my patient is experiencing or I start to feel myself becoming emotionally distant I again look at the carving of Wiseheart and do the meditational breathing. At these moments I feel that with the in breath I am connecting to my Big Heart and with the out breath I am releasing the energetic vibrations of my patient's large feelings. Then they do not penetrate the field of my consciousness. I can continue to be a compassionate presence for that person and the next and the next. At the end of a morning/evening of work I do not feel depleted.

   I encourage you to adapt these notions about our Big Hearts to your individual cosmology and ways of working.

   These ideas are described more fully in the Small Heart, Big Heart chapter of my book Working From the Heart, A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy    

      

RECHARGING

   Each day as therapists and counselors we are in the psychological energy field of so much suffering and struggle. In one morning or evening of work some patients will be depressed,anxious,grieving, angst-ridden,doubtful,despairing or enraged. Or a combination of those feelings. Our office reverberates  with the energy of those feeling states,day after day,week after week, month after month for years.

   Each of our patients needs us to be a compassionate listener, a source of loving kindness, and a carrier of hope. How do we sustain that level of presence and not become exhausted, emotionally distant or numb? How can we be in the psychological energy field of that amount of suffering and then go home and be emotionally available to our spouses, partners and children? This is one of the greatest personal  challenges of doing this lifework.

   I call the process of replenishing the energy supplies of our emotional,physical and psychospiritual batteries recharging. I have developed ways of recharging myself both outside of and during sessions that I would like to pass on. Before I discuss these it is important that I ask you to consider this question: why are psychotherapists and counselors so good at taking care of others and not good at taking care of themselves? 

   It is important that each of us explore that question in depth in our individual psychotherapy. From my own personal experience, and of working with psychotherapists whom I've had as patients, the answers were found in exploring how the role that I played in my family contributed to my choosing this lifework. As a child being the emotional caretaker of my mother was a reliable source of love and special status with her. That led me to unconsciously take on the role of emotional caretaker of others as a primary source of approval and love from others and self-esteem from myself. In my own psychotherapy I discovered that my struggles in taking care of myself were connected to an unconscious fear that others would no longer love me if I took time away from them to take care of me. That fear made me anxious about and resistant to doing things for myself. I would encourage you to learn what are the psychological roots of your difficulty in taking care of yourself.

   I have found two primary pathways of taking care of ourselves outside of sessions. the first is to take regular solitary time- at least a few hours each week - away from everyone, to do something that is nourishing for you. For me that involves taking a contemplative walk in some local nature setting at least once a week. For other therapists and counselors that I know that solitary time is by riding a motorcycle, horseback riding,spending time in the garden or in an art studio. The essential aspects are that the captivity feels replenishing and that it occurs in some place where no one can access you. Because the nature of our personalities tends to be that when we are with other people we think of their needs before our own it is critical to have regular time when we take care of only ourselves. the second pathway is to regularly spend playful time with playmates. Playmates are people with whom we share a passion and who have no psychological need for us to take care of them. I have friends with whom I share my passions for jazz and college basketball. other therapists that I know are in community theatre. have a weekly poker game, play music or sing with others.

   It is also possible to recharge ourselves during sessions. Within the limitations of this brief blog I will describe effective ways of doing this that I have evolved. Whenever I am with a very fearful patient I spend a few moments looking at a Taoist painting behind the patient's chair. It depicts a man sitting in a small boat in a tranquil lake and to me it symbolizes serenity. It reminds me of solitary time that I've spent by a local pond. As I glance at the painting I take a few meditational breaths - imagining with the out breath that I am releasing any fearful energy from my patient that might have entered my field of consciousness. When I am with a patient who is deeply grieving I look at a wood carving behind the patients chair again with some meditational breathing imagine myself releasing any sadness from my patient that may have entered my field of consciousness. This redwood carving is of the head of a bearded old man - it is my image of Wiseheart, my Higher Self whose Big Heart is capable of much more compassion than my ordinary small heart. When I am feeling depleted or overwhelmed by what a patient is describing I look at a large poster in a corner of my office. It is of a giant redwood - to me a symbol of great strength and stamina. I recall what it felt like to walk underneath those giants and to walk among the big trees near my home. With the in breath I take in that feeling of strength and with the out breath I let go of feelings of depletion.

   Having done this kind of recharging for years I am pleased to report how effective it has been in helping me to sustain a sense of open-hearted compassionate presence for hour after hour and not feel the need to become distant in order to protect myself from the cumulative effect of the enormity of feelings that we are present to in this work. Hopefully this will help you to find something similar that will work for you.

   This entry is based on the Recharging chapter in Working From the Heart: A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy   

SANCTUARY

   Whatever struggles or suffering that they are experiencing in their outer world, our patients need to feel that, once our office door closes, that they are in a place of temporary retreat from that world. Even though they may not be able to articulate that they need this, at some level of consciousness their wounded psyches are seeking that safe person, that place of refuge - a sanctuary.  

   So many of our patients come from unsafe family backgrounds where they were subjected to psychological or physical abuse. Or deprived of essential emotional nurturance. With these patients it is especially important that we move away from the model of the emotionally distant professional. Their wounded or neglected psyches are in hiding. They need to feel from us a welcoming warmth and a compassionate caring. Then we are offering them an invitation to come out from that self-protective hiding space. By our open-hearted warmth and acts of loving kindness we are saying,"This is a safe place no harm will come to you. You will be treated with respect and genuine caring."  

   For this reason it is also important to pay attention to the physical ambience of our office space. So much of what we communicate to our patients is transmitted non-verbally and at non-rational levels of consciousness. Some practitioners have offices that are cold and impersonal. The lighting is harsh, the furniture uncomfortable, the artwork is neutral and there are few personal objects reflecting the personality of the therapist or counsellor. The office may look professional - it may even be well decorated - but something is missing. It is important to ask ourselves: Does my office communicate to patients that they are entering a safe space in which they will be treated with warmth, kindness and dignity? Of course how we answer that question will be unique, fitted to our individual personalities and the limitations of the physical space.  

   There is another meaning of the word sanctuary that is applicable to our work. Derived from the Latin word sanctus - holy - a sanctuary is a place that has been dedicated to a holy or sacred purpose. How that connects to psychotherapy and counseling I discussed in an earlier blog wherein I encouraged us to consider a possible additional aspect of our work - being a soul friend. In this limited space I will not engage in an ontological discussion of "soul." Suffice to say what I am referring to is the "essential nature" of our patients. If you observe young children - in my case, grandchildren - you can witness certain unique qualities that are present from very early in their lives. For many of our patients their essential nature has not been treated well throughout their lives. By our offering ourselves as soul friend  we are saying that we will value, respect, nourish, celebrate and lovingly challenge their essential nature. That is a deep sacred pledge, a "holy" purpose. By consciously creating an atmosphere of compassionate caring we are saying, This is a safe, loving place in which your wounded, neglected soul can come out of hiding and become more whole.  

This blog entry is based on the Sanctuary chapter of my book, Working From the Heart: A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy    

Connecting With Our Higher Self

    Increasingly in my daily life,meditation and contemplative walks in nature I am trying to deepen my heart connection to my Higher Self. I no longer consider my higher Self as an abstraction. I now think of this aspect of my consciousness as an "old friend" that has been with me a long time - perhaps all my life - yet for most of my life I have not been consciously aware of his existence. Now as I deepen the sense of a personal ongoing connection I feel more his companionship - he's a source of inspiration, loving sustenance and inner peace.

   At least a dozen years ago in order to make our relationship more personal - less an abstract concept - I named this aspect of my consciousness. I called my Higher Self "Wiseheart." I think of Wiseheart as the source of my capacity for deep compassion and the carrier of my knowledge- conscious and unconscious, learned and unlearned - in the realm of the heart. I also think of him as the source of my Self-love. I imagine him as a bearded old man with a wizened face. In my office I have a wooden image of his face,carved from second growth redwood, that is tucked into a corner behind the chair my patients sit in.

   Five or ten minutes before I begin my morning/afternoon's work I look at this carved image of Wiseheart and say "Help me to be a source of compassion and heart wisdom for my patients today." Then I do some meditational breathing as a way of connecting more deeply to him and letting go of the thoughts and feelings of my ordinary ego consciousness. During sessions,whenever I sense that my small heart is constricting, because I'm feeling depleted or my patient is talking about some big pain or very complex situation, I again look at the carving of Wiseheart. At that moment I again try to connect to him, I breathe deeply and with my exhale breath let go of whatever may be causing me to distance myself. By doing this during every session - often several times - I am able to remain a compassionate presence for hours without becoming emotionally distant or tired.

   No one ever told me about the importance of connecting to my Higher Self. No one ever taught me any way of remaining a compassionate loving presence during sessions with my patients. At this time of my life, as an elder in the field of psychotherapy, I mentor my supervises and patients who are health professionals by talking with them about what I do and encouraging them to develop their own ways of personally connecting to their own Higher Self.

   I am acutely aware that within the broad spectrum of ways of being a psychotherapist or counselor there is also a wide range of perspectives about higher consciousness. When talking to my supervisees and patients I try to connect to each person's individual cosmology. For some I use the term Higher Self: for some,who have experience with the Recovery perspective, I use the phrase personal Higher Power; for others with a transpersonal perspective we find a term that fits for them; for those with a Christian perspective I use the term Christ Consciousness; for those with a Buddhist worldview i use the term Buddha Nature. From a pragmatic viewpoint - with an awareness that there are differences among these notions - I am trying to connect with whatever fits into the cosmology of that person.

   Richard calls his Higher Self "Father Dan." A former priest, who now has a private practice as a psychotherapist and pastoral counselor, Richard is tapping into his warm memories of his compassionate and insightful mentor whose real name was Father dan. At this time of his life Richard imagines Father Dan sitting in the living room of the cabin in the woods where he used to visit his mentor during retreats. At that time he was a priest in his late 20's and early 30's. Now Richard has internalized that memory of Father Dan as his image of his own Higher Self.

   Carl, a message therapist in his late thirties, has no visual image of his Higher Self. Instead he has developed this felt sense of a compassionate loving non-judgmental energetic presence. During our sessions Carl will periodically close his eyes and do some deep breathing when he wants to connect to his Higher Self. As he feels his breathing become less constricted, he also feels a releasing of muscular tension in his neck and shoulders. At these moments he can sense the presence of his Higher Self. During these times he feels more receptive to important insights and compassion towards himself and others. Carl also reports that he now does this kind of connecting to his Higher Self before and during his work with his clients.

   This topic is discussed in more depth in the Recharging and Small Heart, Big Heart chapters of Working From the Heart.    

It's Important for Psychotherapists and Counselors to Share Aspects of Our Personal Stories

   There are many situations in which our clients benefit from us sharing relevant aspects of our personal stories.Yet for some psychotherapists and counselors revealing any aspects of their lives feels unprofessional. As an elder with over 38 years experience in private practice I am advocating that - for the sake of our clients - we slog through those personal and professional issues that might prevent us from disclosing.
   Certainly there are good reasons why there are cautions or, in some schools of thought, prohibitions regarding talking about ourselves. There are instances where some psychotherapists/counselors are allowing their own personal neediness, narcissism or countertransference issues to intrude into the therapy. In those instances it would be very important for the psychotherapist/counselor to reflect,"Why am I doing so much sharing?" or "Why am I talking about myself so much with this client?" And to bring that question into their own therapy.
   There are traditions of psychotherapy theory that stipulate that the therapist should not share their personal narratives because that will interfere with the transference. In those theoretical perspectives the working through of the transference is the core wherein real change occurs and self-disclosure potentially could contaminate the work. As someone who was trained in the traditional psychoanalytic model my experience suggests otherwise - that transference remains a potent force that still occurs even after I share relevant aspects of my life.
         My Experiences 
   Early in my work I had quite a few adult patients who came from family backgrounds with an alcoholic parent. Often the therapy seemed to stagnate. I decided to take the risk and share that my father was an alcoholic. My patients were grateful for the heartfelt empathic connection. They opened up more and felt more hopeful. Their therapist not only knew what it felt like to be the child of an alcoholic, but also had recovered from the traumas of that experience. For those patients, the professionally distant,non-revealing therapeutic stance of the psychoanalytic method was too reminiscent of their depriving and often emotionally unavailable parents.
   Twice in my life - in my early thirties and at the age of fifty - I experienced periods of suicidal ideation. I never acted upon these thoughts, but I experienced the toxic mixture of despair and self-hatred that leads to the thoughts that death is the only way out. When I have patients who are suicidal, at some point I usually share with them that I too have experienced that state. This helps them to know that I am not judging them and I feel compassionate towards them. I am also offering myself as a beacon of hope in the darkness. I often say, "There is no pressure on you to be hopeful. I will carry the hope until it reawakens in you"
   Seven years ago I had a very aggressive form of lymphoma. A friend of mine, another psychologist in his early sixties, who was being treated for another form of lymphoma, died during the time I was receiving chemo. That sent me a very cogent message about what the disease could do. Although my recovery has gone very well, I live with the possibility that the cancer could return at any time and this time it may take me. As a result, death is my daily companion and informs my decisions every day. My sharing of this experience has deepened my empathic connection to patients who are struggling with serious illness and their own mortality. It makes them feel that their therapist is both a professional and a human being who has a genuine heartfelt sense of what they are going through.
   For those of us who do this healing work these difficult times in our lives expand our hearts and increase our capacity for compassionate caring. When we open our hearts and disclose these aspects of our journey that are relevant to their suffering our patients feel that compassion more palpably and more deeply. They feel us connecting to them as both professionals and fellow human beings.
   From my perspective there is one caveat to our talking about our own lives. I am initially quite cautious about talking about myself with clients who had narcissistic parents. because this can evoke such a strong transference reaction that might cause them to terminate the work, I usually share only after they have internalized a sense that I genuinely care about them  

Psychotherpists,Counselors,Life Coaches Can Be Soul Friends to Our Clients

   In the early stages of my evolution as a psychotherapist periodically patients would say that it felt like I was their "friend." Yet it didn't feel to them like any kind of friendship they had ever known. Some patients,as they were leaving my office, would say"See you next week my friend." Although I didn't express it to my patients, internally something about being their friend made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't quite know how to respond. Nothing in my training prepared me for it. Initially I thought that I had done something wrong- perhaps I had overstepped some boundary and done something unprofessional. Perhaps I had evoked some transference issue or was acting out some personal need for friendship. I was struggling because this notion of friend didn't fit into any category of friendship that I had ever experienced. In the beginning I pathologized it.
   Then I read a book by John O'Donohue entitled Anam Cara. It described the Celtic tradition of anam cara - soul friend. In Gaelic the word anam means soul and cara means friend. Since both of my grandparents were Irish immigrants the phrase had a strong resonance. His description of soul friend gave me a framework to understand what kind of unique friendship some of my patients were attempting to describe. It also added an additional layer of sacredness to how I viewed our work. My patients were entrusting their souls to me. For me this insight increased my sense of reverence for our roles as healers and a deeper sense of responsibility.
   It is not my intention to engage in an ontological discussion of the notion of soul. That conversation is well beyond the scope of this blog and my book. Suffice it to say that what I mean in this context is the essential nature of the person.
   The souls of most of my patients have been neglected, abused or wooded, treated with apathy or disrespect. Many of them have lived in soul-killing environments. I have felt that I need,by my presence and the ambience of my office, to provide the opposite - a sense of sanctuary, a safe refuge for their souls. When we initially meet our patients for the most part their souls are in hiding. From my perspective a primary goal of a more heart-centered approach is to invite the souls of our patients to come out again. From my experience the souls of our patients respond not to rational insights or cognitive techniques, but to welcoming warmth, compassionate presence and acts of loving kindness.
   I am advocating that psychotherapists, counselors and life coaches consider the notion that one of our cardinal roles is to be a soul friend to our clients. Being a soul friend is a particular kind of friendship that goes well beyond the ordinary definition of friend. He/she is the kind of friend who honors our essential nature, who wants to know our "deep within" and treats our souls with respectful reverence. He/she invites our soul to come out of hiding through nurturance, affection, celebration of growth and loving challenge. In myriad ways the soul friend says"You are valued. I am here to help you to become more fully the unique being who you can be."

   This is based on the Anam Cara chapter of my book Working From the Heart: A Therapist's Guide to Heart-Centered Psychotherapy (Jason Aronson Publishing 2011). Take a look at my website (williampryan.com) for more information.